“Turned out he wasn't a virgin, but he wasn't all that experienced
either, so we watched the movie together and tried a bunch of stuff, and then I think we passed out. Anyway, he sent me flowers this morning, and we're going out again tonight.”
“Wow, that's great, Jeanine. I'm really happy for you.”
“Yeah, I'm happy, too, but I'm going to get off the phone and throw up now.”
“I think Bob needs to celebrate all this romance shit with a large fries,” Lula said. “He's been a real good dog just sitting back there, but he looks hungry.”
“Bob ate a couch this morning.”
“Well okay then I need the large fries. I need some carbs and grease to balance out all the chocolate.”
I hit the drive-through window at Cluck-in-a-Bucket and got a monster bucket of fries and a couple sodas and a cheeseburger for Bob. I parked in the Bucket lot and tossed Bob his burger.
Diesel pulled up beside me, got out of his 'vette, and leaned in the window. “Oh man, is that a hive on your forehead? Honey, it's huge.”
“Do you have any?”
“No,” Diesel said. “My immune system is exceptionally strong.”
“He's good,” Lula said. “He found you without a phone call. He's like a white Ranger.”
“I'm carrying a bug,” I said to Lula.
“You mean like James Bond shit? Like when he gets stuff from one of the alphabet men. Who is it? M? Q? Z?”
“Is there a special Unmentionable guy who makes bugs for you?” I asked Diesel.
“No. I bought the little devil on the Internet. EBay. Got a real good price. Only used once by some guy who thought his wife was cheating. Wanted to let you know Annie has everything arranged. The justice of the peace will be at your parents' house promptly at four.”
Lula paused with her fries. “Say what?”
“It's a long story,” I said. “The short version is Diesel and I are pretending to get married, so we can get Kloughn to marry Valerie.”
“Does Morelli know about this?”
“It's pretend.”
“I'm not even gonna ask if Ranger knows. Poor ol' Diesel here be dead if Ranger knew.”
I looked at Diesel.
“Maybe,” Diesel said, “but not likely. Its hard to kill me. I don't have to get dressed up for this, do I?”
“I better be invited to this,” Lula said. “I'd be really pissed off if you got married without inviting me. And if you want to keep your job, you better invite Connie, too.”
“It's not a real wedding,” I told her.
“Hell, I don't care. Pretend. Real. It's a wedding. Is there gonna be cake?”
“No cake.”
“What kind of cheap-ass wedding hasn't got cake?”
“She's right,” I said to Diesel. “We should have a cake.”
“I can see I need to take charge of this,” Lula said. “Here's what we gonna do. Drop me off at the office, and I'll round up Connie, and we'll go get a cake. Then you and Diesel and Bob can go welcome the guests, 'cause it's almost four.”