Finger Lickin' Fifteen (Stephanie Plum 15)

“This here is Peter Pecker,” Grandma said, leading a tall, bald, red-faced guy into the room.

Lula spewed water out of her nose, and my father choked on a piece of bread.

“Sorry,” Lula said. “I never met anyone named Peter Pecker before.”

“And he looks just like one, too,” Grandma said. “Did anyone else notice that? Isn’t that something?”

My mother drained her highball glass and looked to the kitchen.

“Sit here and have a piece of chicken,” Grandma said to Peter Pecker. “We made it special.”

Pecker sat down and looked across the table at Julia Child. “I thought you died.”

“It’s not really Julia Child,” Grandma said. “It’s Larry all dressed up. Earlier today, he was Mister Clucky.”

“That’s weird,” Peter said.

“Not as weird as being named Peter Pecker,” Larry said.

“I can’t help it if that’s what I’m named, asshole.”

“Who are you calling an asshole?”

“You, Mister Fruity Tutti.”

“You must have heard wrong,” Grandma said. “He’s not Mister Fruity Tutti. He’s Mister Clucky.”

“Biscuits,” my father said. “Where the hell are the biscuits?”

My mother and grandmother and I snapped to attention and passed the biscuits to my father.

“What do you do at the supermarket?” Grandma asked Pecker.

“I’m assistant manager for produce. I’m the vegetable specialist.”

“That sounds like a real good job,” Grandma said.

“I know all the vegetables,” Pecker said. “And I know all about fruits, too.” He looked across the table to Larry. “Nothing personal.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Larry asked. “Are you calling me a fruit?”

“If the high heel fits.”

“You’re a jerk.”

“Hey, pal, I’m not the one wearing ladies’ panties.”

“This is the United States of America,” Larry said. “I can wear whatever kind of pants I want.”

“You should stop pickin’ on him,” Lula said to Peter Pecker. “You don’t watch your step, and I’ll put my foot up your runty butt.”

“Oh, I’m so scared,” Pecker said. “Now the fat chick’s going to protect the pussy-boy.”

Lula was on her feet. “Did someone call me a fat chick? I better not have heard that.”

“Fat, fat, fat,” Pecker said.

“Pecker head, pecker head, pecker head,” Larry said.