Fortune and Glory (Stephanie Plum 27)

“You aren’t going to use the restroom. You’re going in to get ice cream.”

“Yes, but before I do that, I might wash my hands.”

Rangeman control room called. Undoubtedly notified of the wreck by one of the many sensors surreptitiously placed on my car.

“Your front sensor is reporting a malfunction,” he said.

“Long story short, my car has a crumpled front end.”

“Can you drive it?”

“No. The hood is smashed up against the windshield.”

“Are you okay?”

“Okay is relative for me.”

“Do you need assistance?”

“Assistance would be wonderful.”

I retrieved my purse from my car and went inside to get ice cream. A fire truck arrived, followed by a cop car. Lula and I took our ice cream outside and said hello to the guys. The fire truck left, and the cop went inside to get ice cream.

A black Rangeman SUV rolled in and Tank got out.

“I’ll take it from here,” he said. “Wayne will drive you home… or wherever.”

Lula went back to the office, and I went to my parents’ house to borrow a car.

“Look who’s here,” Grandma said. “Miss Celebrity! You’re all over the internet. YouTube and everything. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing.”

“Why me?” my mother asked. “Mary Jo Krazinski’s daughter works in the bank. A teller. My daughter jumps out of hooker hotel windows.”

“I didn’t jump,” I said.

“Of course you jumped,” Grandma said. “It was a beauty. You came out of that window like you were shot from a cannon. Some bystander got it all. Lula backed out after you. I don’t like to speak bad about anyone, but it wasn’t a pretty sight. It was like Winnie the Pooh getting stuck in the rabbit hole, if Winnie the Pooh was wearing a red thong.”

“I thought I dropped,” I said to Grandma.

“Nope,” she said. “You jumped.”

She pulled the video up on her cell phone.

“This is horrible,” I said. “My hair is a mess, and I look fat.”

“It’s these T-shirts you wear,” Grandma said. “They’re all washed out and they don’t give you any shape. You need some pretty clothes.”

“I can’t afford to buy clothes. I have to buy a new car.”

“You can buy whatever you want when we find the treasure,” Grandma said.

My mother brought bread and deli ham and provolone cheese to the little kitchen table. I set my messenger bag on the counter and got mustard and mayo from the fridge.

“I’m not moving as fast as I’d like on the treasure hunt,” I said. “Every time I get a lead, it ends in disaster.”

“I got a good lead at the grocery this morning,” Grandma said. “I was in line next to Dottie Clark and she was talking about her son the fireman and how he got called out to the Lucky Lucy Café last night. Seems that it suddenly filled up with smoke and dust and that the smoke set off the fire alarm. She said it was odd that it happened right after you blew up the Margo.”

“I didn’t blow up the Margo,” I said. “Lou Salgusta blew up the Margo.”