Fortune and Glory (Stephanie Plum 27)

“Now would be good,” Grandma said. “Your father is eating at the lodge tonight, and your mother won’t be home from Valerie’s house until late. Valerie and Albert had to go to some lawyer shindig.”

“I’m taking Grandma shopping,” I said to Potts. “Can I possibly do this without you tagging along?”

“No,” Potts said. “I’m following you to the end of the earth.”

“I won’t be going that far,” I said.

* * *

Grandma was waiting at the curb. And she was carrying her big black patent purse. This meant she was packing her .45 long barrel. It was frightening to think that she had the gun, but it was good to know she recognized the danger level.

She slid onto the passenger-side seat and buckled up. “I almost didn’t recognize you,” she said. “You have a new car and a new hairdo.”

“The car is a loaner from Ranger. The hair is job related. An FTA threw some gunk at me and it got stuck in my hair.”

“I like the new cut and color,” Grandma said. “It’s flirty.” Grandma turned and looked at Potts in the backseat. “What do you think?”

“I’d like to touch it,” Potts said, “but she won’t let me.”

Grandma leaned close to me. “He’s kind of a creeper,” she whispered.

“It’s that he has no filters,” I said.

“I heard that,” Potts said. “That’s insightful. There was a time when people thought you were forthright if you said what was on your mind. It was a sign of good character.”

“When was that time?” Grandma asked.

“Olden times,” Potts said.

“Like in the good old days,” Grandma said.

“Exactly,” Potts said.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

I parked by the Macy’s entrance for the second time today and everyone followed me into the store.

“I don’t want to spend a lot of money, but I want something that looks expensive,” Grandma said. “And I’m not family so I don’t have to wear black.”

Death was almost as important as food in the Burg, and life was often lived in such a way to ensure a good showing at the final event. If you joined a lodge or the mob, you got a crowd at your viewing. If you worked your way up to Grand Poobah of the lodge, you got a premier room at the funeral home. The church service was a comfort, but everyone knew it was the casket selection that really counted. Seven o’clock viewings relieved the tedium of after-dinner television. Morning funerals meant whiskey straight up was flowing immediately following the burial. It was all good.

Grandma found her way to the dresses and sorted through them. “I don’t have a problem like some of the ladies my age,” she said. “I don’t have to worry about hiding a fat roll. I’ve always had good metabolism.”

Grandma didn’t have a fat problem, but she was a victim of gravity. She could walk forever, and she could lug the long-barrel around in the crook of her arm like the queen of England, but beyond that she had the muscle development of a soup chicken.

“This one is nice,” she said, pulling out a cranberry A-line dress with a little jacket. “I like the color, and the skirt looks like the right length. I like when it hits just below my knee.”

She found three other dresses and took them into the dressing room to try them on.

“She’s a good shopper,” Potts said. “She found what she wanted right away. What are you going to buy? Do you need a dress, too?”

I prowled through the racks. “No, I think I’m all set for viewings and funerals.”

“Then you need better everyday clothes.”

“The thing is, I’m comfortable in my jeans and T-shirts,” I said. “They work for my job.”

“Then just get nicer, newer jeans and T-shirts. In the magazines I read at the salon they dressed jeans and T-shirts up with jackets and cool boots.” He searched around and found a black jacket that was a take on a motorcycle jacket. “This is good. It looks like something Indy would wear if he was a girl. According to the tag it’s also abrasion-proof, rip-resistant, breathable, and has waterproof seams.” He gave me the jacket and moved to a table with T-shirts. “Try the jacket with one of these shirts. The material is soft, and I like the plain round neck. It’s supposed to be odor-shirking and fast drying. Try it in white.”