Fortune and Glory (Stephanie Plum 27)

“In my office on the fifth floor.”

“I need help. I overslept and it’s all your fault. I should have gone home last night. I have a funeral this morning. I’m supposed to take Grandma.”

“Babe, you were the one who said we should get a room.”

“Yes, but that was all because of your thumb and your tongue and other things.”

“Where are we going with this?”

“My car is at Lena’s house. I’m sure you already know this because you can track it. My clothes are in my apartment along with my hair stuff and my makeup.”

“Do you really need the hair stuff and makeup?”

“Yes! This short hair doesn’t happen all by itself.”

“Take my 911. The keys are in it. I’ll take your Honda to the service and funeral. We can swap later.”

I picked my clothes up off the floor, put them on, and ran through Ranger’s apartment to the elevator. Half an hour later I was in my apartment. I rushed through the shower and hair and did an abbreviated makeup job. I looked at my hair in the mirror and decided it was lacking. I spritzed it with styling lotion that was supposed to be a de-frizzer and wrapped my hair around big Velcro rollers. I blasted it all with the hair dryer and brushed it out. Better. I was going to be late for Grandma but that was okay. The church was only ten minutes from my parents’ house. I got dressed in black flats, a slim gray skirt, and an orange and gray striped sweater. I grabbed my little purse and ran to Ranger’s Porsche 911.

Grandma was waiting at the curb when I got to my parents’ house.

“You shouldn’t be standing out here,” I said. “It’s dangerous.”

Although the danger level was temporarily diminished now that Shine’s goons were on a plane flying back to Florida.

“I’m good,” Grandma said. “I’m packing and I got pepper spray as a backup. How about you?”

My little purse was lying on the console. “Lipstick, a comb, keys, phone, and a credit card holder.”

I also had Ranger’s gun in a compartment under my seat, plus God knows what else was stashed in the car.

“This is a hot car,” Grandma said. “I bet Ranger gave it to you.”

“It’s a loaner for this morning.”

“I’m going to be the talk of the Burg riding in the funeral procession in this car. I’m glad I got a new dress.”

I parked in the car line and Grandma and I went inside the church and found seats. I did a fast scan and found Gabriela sitting four rows behind me and to the left. Morelli was close to the front on the aisle. Ranger was standing behind the last pew.

“It looks like they’re doing a Requiem Mass,” Grandma said.

A Requiem Mass was long, and it included Holy Communion. I didn’t usually take communion, but I was starving, and communion would get me a cracker. Something to look forward to.

Forty minutes later I inched my way down the aisle in the communion line and caught Morelli’s attention. He shook his head at me, and looked down at the missal in his lap, making an effort not to laugh out loud. He knew I was only after the cracker.

When the ceremony was over, Benny moved down the aisle with impressive speed for a man of his size. I figured the single communion cracker wasn’t doing it for him and he was on a mission to get home to the buffet and booze.

The graveside ceremony was relatively short and without incident. No one was shot, punched, cursed out, or stabbed. The police in attendance looked disappointed. The local TV sat-news truck packed up and rolled to Benny’s house, hoping for better luck with the reception. The mourners scrambled to their cars.

“I always wanted to drive a Porsche,” Grandma said. “Would it be okay if I just drove it to the gate?”

“You don’t have a license.”

“Yes, but this is private property. I could drive here. And everyone’s only going two miles an hour. And you could take a picture of me behind the wheel.”

“Okay,” I said, “but only to the gate.”

Grandma got behind the wheel, I took her picture, and we joined the traffic jam slowly making its way to the cemetery exit. It was a large cemetery with gentle sloping hills. The newer section had acres of flat headstones and easy-to-mow grass. The older section where Carla had been laid to rest had large elaborate headstones. Some family plots had life-size marble sculptures and aboveground crypts. There was the occasional mature tree, clump of shrubs, and cluster of colorful plastic flowers.