Twisted Twenty-Six (Stephanie Plum 26)

Lula sat back. “There you have it. Boom.”

“Anything new come in?” I asked Connie.

“No, but it’s early. Oliver Turkel had his hearing yesterday, and he has a history of no-shows.”

“I remember him,” Lula said. “He’s the guy who robs people and then moons them. It’s his trademark move. Last time we brought him in, he mooned Stephanie and me. I even got it videoed on my phone.”

“Something to look forward to seeing,” Connie said.

“Yeah, but I doubt he’ll moon us again,” Lula said. “Stephanie tagged him on his bare ass with her stun gun, and he went down like a sack of cement. And then he wet himself.” Lula shook her head. “It wasn’t a real pretty sight.”

I did an involuntary shiver at the memory.

“I’m still up for finding the shoplifter,” Lula said. “I vote we ride around and look for him. And we could ride down Maple Street and see if Richie is still on the roof. It’s not far from where Carol Joyce lives.”

This sounded like a decent activity. It was a nice day to go cruising around. And I didn’t think anything would come of it. We could look for Carol for a couple hours, have lunch, and then I’d quit for the day and go back to Morelli’s house to get my laundry. Maybe Morelli would want to go to the shore.

We started by checking out Richie Meister. He was still on the roof, and traffic was snarled for blocks.

“I can see the hook and ladder,” Lula said. “They got the big ladder up.”

“Do you see any dragons?”

“Nope. Not a single one.”

I circled around the Richie mess and drove past the Joyce house. No SUV in the driveway, thank goodness. I wasn’t in a mood to arrest Carol Joyce.

“I’ve been thinking about our job,” Lula said. “And how you don’t like it anymore. And I think it’s that we aren’t badass like Ranger and Tank. You know what the difference is between them and us?”

“How much time do I have to answer?”

“The difference is we haven’t got a badass uniform. We’re just as good as them, but they got the uniform, you see what I’m saying? Even Dog got a badass uniform. Okay, so his hair needs some help, but he’s got the black leather thing working for him.”

“I can’t see you wearing a uniform every day.”

“I would have to personalize it. Like I could bedazzle it.”

“I have a uniform,” I said. “I’m wearing it.”

“See that’s your problem. You need some enthusiasm, and there’s no enthusiasm to those clothes. Only thing on you that’s got enthusiasm is your hair extensions, and they’re starting to fall out. We got to get you new extensions. I’m thinking fire red next time. That’s a power color.”

“It’s not the clothes or the lack of extensions,” I said. “It’s what we see. It’s Oliver Turkel.”

“Oliver Turkel was great,” Lula said. “You got him square on his ass, and he peed himself like a big dog. Sometimes when I need a laugh, I replay that video.”

“It isn’t funny. It’s disgusting and horrible.”

“Yeah, but it’s funny in a disgusting and horrible way. You got to put things into perspective.”

I got to Quaker Bridge Mall and drove up and down the aisles. No Escalade with Carol’s plate number. So far, my luck was holding. I left the lot and returned to Route One, and my mother called.

“She’s gone,” she said, and the shaky note of hysteria in her voice sent an instant chill through me.

“Where are you?”

“I’m home. We were at the bake sale at the church and she disappeared. She went to use the restroom and never came back. I tried calling her, but she wasn’t answering. Then I thought maybe we got our signals crossed, and she thought she was supposed to walk home.”

“How long has she been gone?”