I have to tell my brothers. Tomorrow when I go visit them.
That I’m pregnant with the baby of the guy they all hate.
Because I only have one week before I have to tell him, and this time I’m not going to run.
I’m going to face it all head-on.
***
I think I’m going to throw up.
In the middle of the dining table. At our house.
Because my brother Conrad has ordered all my favorite things. From my favorite restaurant no less.
Bacon and chicken. And mac and cheese.
There’s so much mac and cheese, and until I found it on the table, I didn’t know that it was one of my triggers. And now I’m going to ruin it all, all the effort he’s put in for me.
But it’s more than that.
It’s more than food.
It’s the fact that my other brother is here. The one I had no idea was going to be home this weekend and the one I’m dreading telling this piece of information that I have the most.
Ledger.
In fact he was the one who came to pick me up at school, completely shocking me. And then he whipped out a large pink box from Buttery Blossoms with enough cupcakes for my friends and I threw my arms around him and started sobbing, shocking him in return.
But anyway, here we are now, sitting at the table, eating dinner.
Well, they’re eating dinner and I’m just staring at it or at the soft blue wall that has all our photos, from childhood to high school.
Actually, now that I notice, the baby photos are only mine.
Me in a tiny tutu and ribbons; me with my mom at the park; me eating cupcakes with a six-year-old Ledger; me smiling toothily at the camera while sitting on a teenage Con’s shoulders; me smiling toothily at the camera again while teenage Shepard and Stellan kiss my fat baby cheeks.
And then there are pictures of me through the years, all grown up, and I realize that this is my life. In pictures.
This wall contains my entire life as I’ve known it.
With my brothers.
I’m the centerpiece and I never noticed this before.
I never noticed how cherished I am.
I mean, I have, but this is something else.
This is tangible proof and tears well up in my eyes and I’m about to burst out crying but I’m stopped by Con’s statement.
“You’re not eating.”
He’s looking at my plate with a frown and I blurt out, “I’m eating.”
He looks up at my false answer. “Is there something wrong?”
Yes.
“No. Of course not.”
“I ordered your favorites.”
“I know,” I tell him, nodding as I fist my hands in my lap. “And they are. They’ve always been. As you know. So thank you.”
“So what’s the problem?” he asks and my heart starts to beat faster.
My stomach churns and I feel the bile rising up my throat.
This isn’t the first time Con has ordered me my favorite foods when I’ve come for a visit. He might be angry at me for the things I’ve done in the past, but he’s also my brother. My biggest protector. The only father figure I’ve ever known, and he takes care of me despite everything.
It always makes me feel guilty that despite making his life harder, he still looks out for me.
And my guilt is even stronger tonight. My dread too.
Because I have to tell him.
I know it’s going to piss him off. It’s going to make him angrier at me than he already is. Maybe he’ll think I’m stupid like I was two years ago.
But I can’t not tell him.
Last time, I kept everything a secret, making it feel like even more of a betrayal. All the lies that I’d told. All the sneaking around that I’d done.
Even though they’ve all forgiven me — except Conrad — even Ledger, for falling in love with the very guy they’d told me not to, I know that this time it might be much harder.
This time they might not forgive me at all.
But still, I have to tell them, and maybe I should just get this over with. “Uh, it’s —”
“Wait,” Ledger says from the other side of me. “Are you on your weird diet again?”
“What?”
Ledger sits back then, shaking his head. “Holy shit, you’re on your weird diet again.”
“Are you?” Con asks me.
My heart jumps at his question as I swivel my gaze toward him. “Am I what?”
Pregnant.
“On one of your crazy diets,” he asks.
Oh. Right.
I swallow thickly. “No, I don’t do that anymore.” Con looks like he doesn’t believe me and so I insist, “I promise. I don’t.” Then, I turn to Ledger. “I don’t, I swear.”
Ledger stares at me for a beat before his lips twitch and a chuckle breaks out of him.
I eye him suspiciously. “Are you thinking about… that?”
That chuckle becomes a laugh and he has to put down his fork because suddenly, he’s doubling over with it.