“Jade, I know I’ve been an asshole to you. I know that I’m far from perfect. But I’ve never lied to you, even when the truth hurts. And I’m not lying to you now. I didn’t sleep with her, Jade. I haven’t even thought of anyone other than you since our first night together.”
I need her to understand how much I love her, and how badly I’ve been wanting to fix things between us today. I don’t want her thinking for even a second that I don’t want to be with her, or that I want other women. Especially, not some bought and paid for prostitute.
“If that’s true, then are we together or not?” she asks out of nowhere.
I wasn’t expecting this from her.
I still haven’t had enough time to figure out my feelings or what I want from her. I don’t know if I can respond to her. At least not the way she wants me to right now. I’m still lost and confused about how I actually feel.
“Is this a real relationship?” she asks. “I need to know right now how you feel about me. I can’t keep doing this shit.”
She’s on the verge of tears, and I have no idea what to do. I’ve never been through anything like this. Put me in any business situation and I’ll come up trumps, but nothing in my life has equipped me to handle a situation like this. So again, I tell her the truth, even though I know it’s not what she wants to hear. “I don’t know,” I say.
Her face falls, and the tears she was trying to hold back begin to slip down her face.
God, I must be broken inside if I can’t just say what she wants me to say.
“You called me your girl downstairs, but now you won’t even tell me how you really feel about me?” she asks. “You know what, Luke?”
“What?” I brace myself.
“If you don’t know what we are, or if you can’t be with me, then you can’t act like this. Either I’m yours, or I’m not.” She runs out of my bedroom and into hers. She slams the door shut behind her. The sound of her lock clicking closed is loud.
I feel so awful. I keep breaking her heart a piece at a time, and I’m not sure how to fix it.
I feel like a volcano about to erupt. I need to burn this excess energy off. Either I break down Jade’s door and fuck her or I leave the hotel.
I walk down the street in the midday heat. My shirt sticks to me but the walk is good for me. It helps burn off some of this restless energy, and allows me to clear my head. Things with Jade are worse than ever. No wonder, I’ve stayed away from real relationships. This whole situation is frustrating and confusing. I can never seem to do the right thing.
I have embarrassed her twice now. I can’t stand myself sometimes.
I see a liquor store. As I walk past it. I stop and go back to the entrance. Inside it’s busy. I have to wait in line. I choose some unrecognizable brand of vodka because I don’t really care. I might have a hangover tomorrow, but what the fuck? I deserve to suffer as penance for hurting Jade.
I don’t open the bottle as I walk, because that’s something my dad would have done. He was an alcoholic. A major one. He drank whenever, and wherever. I’m surprised he ever managed to run a business.
I swore I’d never be like him. I’m no a drunk. I’ve never even been a big drinker. And there are so many other differences between the man he was and the man I am. I’m not him, I repeat to myself.
I focus on that one thought because it’s true, and I’m finally realizing this.
I don’t have to fear everything that he did. I can fall in love with my assistant without thinking I’m as despicable as him. Unlike him, I’m not married to anyone. I won’t be destroying anyone’s life if I decide to be with her. Jade means everything to me. She’s the woman for me. I don’t care if I have to give up everything I have worked for all my life to achieve.
Jade is my life.
Screw what other people think and screw who my father was. I refuse to let that bastard fuck up my life any more than he already has. I never should have let my memories of him control me this way. I should have told Jade exactly how I felt yesterday morning.
I can still tell her before it’s too late, but it’s not enough to knock on her door and say the words. Words are cheap, and after the way I’ve behaved, they won’t be enough. I have to show her in a big way how I feel about her, and in a way that leaves no doubt in her mind that I truly love her.