In other words, this is my problem, my issue. And as much as it hurts me, I can’t allow myself to say anything to Finn about this. And certainly, not to Janette.
I sit on my bed for a moment, unsure what to do with myself now that I’ve left the room. My insides are churning, and whether I like it or not, I have to admit to myself, I am insanely jealous of this woman, of the idea of sharing Finn with her. Maybe it would be easier if she wasn’t so stunningly beautiful, but no, that’s not it. I don’t want to share Finn with anyone. I want him to be as consumed with me as I have become with him.
I try to let go of the jealousy, but I just can’t. I keep picturing Finn kissing Janette, her hands on him, his on her. And I can see more images of the two of them, more scenarios I most definitely don’t want to even imagine.
I feel like crying.
I feel like going out there and clawing Janette’s blue eyes out. Of course, I do neither. Instead, I just sit here, staring straight ahead of me, trying to make the mental images of Finn and Janette go away, holding back the tears of fury and hurt.
I hear the front door opening and bile fills my throat, burning it, as I imagine Finn kissing Janette hello. I hear their voices fill the air. I can’t make out the words, only the cadence of their voices. Finn doesn’t sound angry or anything. Dammit. In the fantasy, I had in my head I wanted him to be angry, to come storming in here and tell me he’s never met this woman in his life and why have I allowed her into his apartment.
They talk a little more and then the apartment door opens and closes again. I breathe a momentary sigh of relief that Janette has gone, then I steel myself to see Finn again. I wait, but he doesn’t come to my room. Why would he? He knows he hasn’t broken any of our rules and he doesn’t know I’m letting myself get attached to him. He doesn’t think he has anything to apologize for.
He really doesn’t have to apologize and that’s the worst part of it all.
Why didn’t I make the rule be that we were to be exclusive while this whole damned wedding thing was hanging over our heads? The answer to that one is obvious. I thought I hated Finn. I didn’t care who he slept with or what he did. Now, this has changed and come back to bite me in the ass.
I stand up restlessly. I’m not going to hide here like some little coward. I’m going to go out there and face him. I’m not going to yell or accuse him of anything, I’m just going to go and get a glass of water so we can get this over with. I have to look at him and know if anything has changed in his mind as it is starting to change in mine. Maybe this will be the kick in the ass I need to remind myself of why I can’t let myself fall for Finn. Not even a little bit.
I slip out of the bedroom and make my way along the hallway, my head held high, my shoulders back, every muscle in my neck and shoulders tense. I step into the living room, but it’s empty. Finn’s jacket isn’t here. I reach up and rub the tight spot on my neck.
“Finn?” I call.
I am rewarded only with silence.
Suddenly, I’m not so pleased that Janette has left the apartment, because Finn has actually gone with her.
I am horrified to feel tears prickling at the corners of my eyes. I turn around and practically run back to my bedroom. I throw myself on the bed and let the tears come. They are hot and salty and I feel like they burn paths of shame down my cheeks.
I indulge myself in my own pity party for a couple of minutes and then I tell myself not to be so ridiculous. I came into this with my eyes wide open and I knew Finn and I would be going our separate ways at the end of it.
It is the only sensible outcome for both of us.
I get up off the bed and go to the bathroom. I run a bubble bath and spend a long time soaking in it, trying to read my book. I tell myself I’m not going to even think about Finn, but my ears are pricked for any sound of him returning.
By the time I hear him come in, I’m already in bed.
It’s late. Like late, late. And although I tell myself I don’t care at all, I feel my heart aching as I imagine what he and Janette have spent the night doing.