Kayden loved bath time and his dad never tired of blowing bubbles off his skin, making him giggle. When I’d changed into comfortable clothes, I went to the kitchen and warmed Kayden’s food while getting our dinner started.
I refused to meet Alex’s eyes while I brought Kayden’s dinner to the table.
“Did you enjoy your bath with…” I wasn’t sure what to say.
“Dad?”
I took a deep breath. “Dad.” It felt terrifying but good to say the word aloud.
“Daaaad!” Kayden said, over and over again, as if getting his tongue used to forming the word.
But it was the smile on Alex’s face that made my heart stop. The only way to describe it was pure, unadulterated joy. Fresh guilt smashed into me. I was a horrible, selfish person. How did I ever let myself think Alex was anything but a fantastic guy. A guy I really did not deserve.
“I’ll feed him,” he said and pulled a chair next to Kayden’s high chair.
I was cooking chili for our dinner and kept myself busy enough so that I didn’t have to sit down with Alex. But I couldn’t escape the conversation forever.
Kayden went to sleep and then Alex and I sat down to dinner. We ate silently and when we were done, we sat facing each other.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” he asked.
A lump grew in my chest, spreading until it filled every empty space and then expanded further, making it painful to breath. “Yes.” My voice was a whisper.
“When Kayden was eighteen years old?” he asked, his voice harsh.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Start from the beginning and this time, I want the complete truth. No lies either by omission or out-rightly.”
I cleared my throat and started at the beginning, my words taking me back to a simpler, happier time. Tears interrupted my explanation and I had to stop to gather my composure before continuing. I told him all of it and left nothing out, including my conversation with his mother.
I dwelled a lot on not wanting to be a burden to him but it seemed to go over Alex’s head.
“Was there something I did to make you believe that I would not be there for you?” he asked, his voice raw with pain.
I shook my head. “It was not about you. I’d brought so much heartbreak into your life and I was determined not to heap more into it. I took you away from the family that you loved so much.”
“That’s bullshit!” Alex thundered. “They rejected you and in doing so, they disrespected my choice. Love means accepting someone’s right to make their own choices.”
“Alex I wasn’t thinking straight at the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished that I’d done it differently.”
“What about Kayden? He’s my son Charlotte! I deserved to know. I’ve missed so much of his life,” he said.
I preferred the anger to the sadness in his voice. Tears filled my eyes. What did you say to something that was true? “I’m truly sorry.” It sounded so inadequate to say sorry. It wasn’t going to bring back the time Alex had lost with Kayden.
He would never experience the joy of hearing Kayden’s first word or see his first step. So many firsts that he would never experience.
“I didn’t try very hard. After I left the message with your mom, I told myself that you had chosen to ignore me and thus Kayden and I made myself move on.”
“And this time? When we met at the diner? I couldn’t leave Woodfield fast enough as far as you were concerned,” he said, a trace of bitterness in his voice.
I bowed my head. Shame came over me. He was right. I’d wanted him to leave and leave me and Kayden to our lives. All I cared about was maintaining the status quo of my life.
I’d decided to be honest with Alex, even when making some admissions was painful. I raised my gaze to his. His cobalt blue eyes bore into me, questioning, wondering, nursing pain.
I had made so many bad decisions all of which had ended up hurting the person I’d loved the most in the world. I made a decision right there and then. No matter how painful, I was never going to lie to Alex ever again.
We were joined together by Kayden and we would always be in each other’s lives, in one capacity or another.
I cleared my throat. “I was frightened that when you found out about my vision problems, you’d take Kayden away from me.”
His eyes widened. “Oh Chaz. You know me better than that. I would never do that. Not in a million years. You know that?”
I was too choked up to speak. I nodded.
Alex
No matter how much I wanted to be angry at Charlotte for not telling me about Kayden, I couldn’t. She had done it for the right reasons, as misguided as they were. Besides, there was a part of me that would always blame myself.