Tempted by the Wrong Twin (Texas Cattleman's Club: Blackmail 8)

He stood and paced to the other side of the room, as if that could give him the distance he needed, even though he knew it wouldn’t. Couldn’t. He felt every one of those losses deeply. He saw their faces in his mind. He apologized to them every day, but it made no difference. It wouldn’t bring them back.

Too damn little, too damn late.

“Oh, Nick.”

He shook his head rapidly, trying to dispel the emotion from the story. He didn’t want Harper’s sympathy. He wasn’t the one who deserved it.

He straightened his spine, squared his shoulders and told her the truth. “They gave me a medal because I was able to save most of my team, but it wasn’t enough. That wasn’t near enough. It was my responsibility to save them all.”

“I’m sure you weren’t solely responsible for those men’s lives.”

He squeezed his eyes closed tight against the memories. “I let them down.”

There was silence for long moments until he opened his eyes again and found her watching him.

“It’s torn you up inside, hasn’t it?” she asked, her voice soft.

He met her gaze and almost smiled. Almost. “You could say I’m kind of a mess.”

“Tell me,” she said, and there was something in her tone that made him want to do just that. Wanted to share this with someone, and wanted that someone to be Harper, even though it might change her opinion of him forever.

“The doctors gave me painkillers for my wounds—” he paused to find the strength to admit the rest “—and I became addicted to them.” To his eternal shame.

Her brows drew together. “I haven’t seen you take anything.”

She wouldn’t have. Not now. He breathed in a lungful of air. At least this was one thing he could feel okay to admit. “I didn’t want to be dependent on a chemical, so I did some treatment and learned to deal with the addiction.”

“You’re clean now?” she asked, her gaze steely.

“One hundred percent.” He wouldn’t have contemplated being part of Ellie’s or the babies’ lives if he wasn’t. They were too precious.

Her gaze softened. “That takes a lot of strength.”

“Oh, yeah?” He coughed out a laugh. “Did you notice the screaming nightmares?”

“I did,” she said, with no judgment in her tone. “Tell me about them.”

He leaned on the wall a few feet from her and slid to the carpet, wrists resting on his bent knees. “They started when I was in hospital, but they’d eased off a bit.” He shrugged. “I didn’t realize I was still having them.”

Her head tilted to the side. “You don’t remember them in the morning?”

Oh, he remembered them. Lord above, did he remember them. “I didn’t realize I was yelling anymore.” The thing was, he hadn’t shared anyone’s bed since the nightmares had started. Sure, he’d yelled during nightmares when he’d been recovering in the hospital after the last mission, but he’d assumed that phase was long over. It just went to show, he should never assume anything about his condition. “I swear, Harper, if I’d known that you’d be woken by them, that they’d affect you, I wouldn’t have suggested we get married. I wouldn’t have tied you to...this.”

She dismissed that with a wave of her hand. “So, what do you want to do now?”

“What do you want?” he asked warily.

“I want us to make this marriage work for our children. We owe them that.” Her eyes were intense. Certain.

“I’m as committed as e

ver to our vows—we’re doing the right thing for the babies. I haven’t been this sure about something in a long time.”

“We’re in agreement, then,” she said and stood.

He gave one slow nod. “Next time we make love, it would be better for everyone if I left right after.” The last thing any woman—especially a pregnant woman—needed was to be woken by someone in her bed screaming, and he simply wouldn’t do that to her.

She crossed her arms under her breasts. “I don’t think that’s the right way forward for us.”