We spend two hours at the mall going through each store. I want to tell her after an hour that I need to sit down, my hips hurt and I feel my knees start to buckle. They nearly do when we get to the Shoe Depot. I sit down on a black leather cushion right as my legs give out, weakness settling into the joints in brutal bluntness, but Cam is too busy looking at the wall of purses to notice.
I smile faintly when she glances over at me and tell her the purple one she’s looking at is my favorite. It’s not. It’s the yellow one to the right with the gold chain and zipper.
Thankfully, she doesn’t mind me sitting while she looks around. It gives me time to relax and glance around the shoe displays. They have a section for Toms right in front of me, but I know I don’t need any more.
Still…
“Those are cute,” Cam says from behind me. I startle and pull away from the black and white checkered pair.
Lo would have loved them. It reminds me of the matching dresses Mama bought us for kindergarten. The teachers couldn’t tell us apart despite the bow in my hair being yellow and hers being pink. After that, we weren’t allowed to be in the same class.
Sitting back, I say, “They are.”
“Aren’t you going to try them on?”
Wetting my bottom lip, I shake my head and clear my throat. “No, I have plenty of shoes. I’m actually pretty tired. Do you think we could go home?”
I could use at least an hour nap, which will probably lead to sleeping away the rest of my Saturday. My body tires on days I’m always on my feet. Tomorrow I’ll probably be worse, which means I need to double my normal medication to make sure I can move. I also know that means risking being twice as tired since one of my meds knocked me out during the first week and a half of being on it. Doubling it, though recommended by my doctor, could mean sleeping for thirteen hours straight and still waking up groggy.
Goodbye weekend.
Internally sighing, I stand up.
After paying and leaving the store, my eye catches a yellow beaded bracelet from a small kiosk by the mall entrance. There are scarves, hats, and sunglasses all hanging colorfully from the sides. It’s not those I focus on, but the bracelet in all its simplicity.
Walking over, I examine the little sunflower charms mixed into the plain beads. My fingertip runs over the words.
You are my sunshine.
Trying to swallow past the swell of emotion in my throat, I blink back sudden tears and shake my head. I’ve never believed in signs until Lo passed away and now they’re everywhere—in the sunshine, my music playlist, and in the sky after a rainstorm.
Cam notices what I’m looking at and gently rubs my back. “How much?” she asks the older woman manning the booth.
“Five dollars.”
Cam pulls out her wallet and I don’t stop her. I used some of the money Dad gave me on new sweaters and a movie I’ve wanted to see because Cam kept insisting I treat myself.
I take the bracelet from its hook and grasp it in my palm like I’m afraid it’ll disappear. I’ve broken beaded bracelets like this so easily in the past. I don’t want to harm it.
Cam helps me put it on, clicking the clasp in
place and smiling at me. “It’s perfect.”
Yeah, I want to say. Perfect.
Dad asks if I had fun. Cam insists I show him my purchases, and he tries to act interested as I hold everything up. I can tell he isn’t, even though he nods along.
When Cam points to my bracelet, his lips flatten just long enough for me to notice. I don’t need to tell him the importance. He must know it was Mama’s song for Lo and me.
Kaiden comes into the kitchen with an empty glass and notices what Dad is looking at. His eyes train on the little letters, his body language stilling in the middle of the room before he goes about his business. From the corner of my eye, I see his lips twitch before going neutral again.
I want to be angry with him, especially when he glances at Cam without a word. Part of me wants to yell, to throw something at him. He needs to stop being an ass and accept that his father is gone and not coming back, but his mother is here and living and willing to love him unconditionally. Doesn’t he get that unconditional love is hard to come by?
Instead, I watch him walk out of the room with a single head nod toward Cam. That’s all she gets. A nod.
My teeth grind.
“I’ll go put these in the washer,” she tells me quietly, collecting my clothes. I want to stop her and say I’ll worry about it later. Dad just shakes his head at me like he knows what I’m thinking.