“That’s great,” I said.
Looking at him below me like this made me think of one thing and one thing only: his mouth on my cock, and how much I still wanted it.
My stomach tightened at the thought. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I didn’t know what it meant about my sexuality, or what I was going to do about it, but I completely wanted Perry. In every way it was possible to want a person.
It had been hard enough to accept that I didn’t want to be a playboy anymore. It was a long journey toward realizing that I wanted a partner, something real, someone to be by my side exclusively. But right now, the person I found myself craving was another man.
Silver Fox had fucking messed with my head.
I let my hand fall to the side of his head, stroking my fingers through his soft hair.
“I’m going to miss this,” I said. “This reunion has been amazing.”
“I think it went about as well as it could have, considering.”
“Considering what?”
He shrugged one shoulder. “The divorce, obviously. And us.”
I scooted over on the bed. “Sit with me for a sec. What do you mean, considering us?”
He hesitated for a moment, but eventually sat down, the mattress sinking a little next to me. “We didn’t mess anything up,” he said. “I thought I’d blow it on day one.”
“It’s really easy to be your boyfriend,” I said. “Of course we didn’t mess anything up.”
“You’ve helped me so much, Rock.”
I waved a hand. “Oh, please. I told you, I loved doing this.”
He shook his head. “But really. Not just faking it for me. But helping me prioritize myself. It’s… not easy for me, at all.”
I put my arm around him, pulling him a little closer to me and resting my head on his shoulder. “You deserve to have that kind of confidence.”
“And I feel like I do have a little bit more. I’ve been thinking of changing things after this reunion.”
My heart leapt inside me suddenly. “Changing your whole life, huh, Chef?” I asked. “What’s weird is I’ve been thinking about those kinds of things, too.”
“I don’t want to be forever alone. Alone forever. Whatever the hell anybody wants to call it,” he said, like he was letting a huge weight off his chest. The butterflies in my stomach were in a frenzy now.
I wanted him to say it. I wanted it so badly. For once, I wasn’t confident enough to speak my mind, and I wanted him to bridge the gap. To tell me he wanted to try for real with me. Until now I’d been too chicken-shit to even admit it to myself, for God’s sake.
“Yeah?” I asked. “You want something real.”
“I do,” he said. He turned to me, his icy blue eyes shining and confident. “I think I’m going to start dating again after this. Dating for real. Not just waiting around in life, hoping somebody falls into my lap or waltzes into the tavern.”
My heart was still pounding hard in my chest, but something turned over inside me. Flipped from excitement to dread.
“Dating?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, resolute. “I do deserve to prioritize my own happiness. You’ve reminded me of it. And if I want something, I have the power to go out and get it.”
I swallowed, looking down at the floor and nodding. “Right. You definitely have that power,” I said.
“Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, Rock,” he said. “Before you were around, I felt like I’d lost any sort of spark inside me.”
I puffed out a small laugh, shifting on the bed so that the side of my body wouldn’t touch the side of his. “I’m supposed to prevent sparks, not make them ignite things.”
He laughed. “Guess you did the wrong thing with me, then, huh?”
“I guess so.”
He leaned over and brought me into a tight hug. I felt like a total impostor in that moment. Perry had endlessly told me how confident I was in myself, how good I was at being honest and fun-loving and getting what I wanted.
But right now, something about Perry was making me weak. Suddenly I felt like I was swept up in some sort of tornado, and I had no idea where it was heading. I didn’t know what I wanted, other than him. I didn’t know if I was straight or gay or anything in-between.
All I knew was that I wished this week of living completely in a fantasy had come to an end, no matter how much I wished it never would.
“Welcome back,” Red said as I came through the front door of his house, tossing my duffel bag onto the floor right away.
I let out a big breath. “I don’t want to be here.”
He chuckled, coming up to me to give me a quick hug. His two Great Danes, Anna and Elsa, came sauntering up to me, begging for pets.