He closed his eyes, breathed, then pulled me into his arms again. “Stay,” he whispered.
I kissed his chest, and we slept like that together, in each other’s arms, the rest of the night.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Shaw
I was in love with Elijah, and I didn’t know what to do about it.
Love wasn’t supposed to be for me. It wasn’t for me. The last time I’d done it, things hadn’t turned out so well, and I didn’t think this one would be any different.
I tried to think what I would tell myself if I sent a message to Charades & Sexcapades, which was obviously fucked in itself. I was actually thinking about how I would answer myself if I wrote myself an advice email. See? Love is dumb.
The thing was, giving advice was a whole lot easier than following it. Working through someone else’s problems was easier than working on your own. Changing your dumbass thinking or getting past your own fears wasn’t quite as easy as telling someone else how to do it, so I was a bit lost.
My answer to that was to ignore it. To pretend nothing had changed. To not mention it, and I was pretty fucking lucky Eli did the same. I mean, we had sex over the last two weeks, so that was different. And we spent the night at each other’s houses, which was also different. And I wondered what his parents were like, or what his childhood bedroom looked like, and how long he would put up with me. All those things were different too.
But we pretended that wasn’t the case, which was a plus. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind he did it for me, which made me love him even more, and I kept sinking deeper and deeper when he would say cute things to me, or bring me something home for no reason—like a post card that was a photo he thought I’d like or a silly magnet about being cocky I put on my fridge. When I’d catch him looking at me. When he melted under my touch and trembled as I sank inside him, and when he kissed behind my ear. When he teased me and flipped me off and rolled his eyes at me. I even liked those things. They all made me fall even more, and it was stupid and I hated it…but I didn’t hate it at the same time.
It was Tuesday dinner with Danny, and I’d been invited again. He and I would never be BFFs, but we got along better. Maybe he could tell I was obsessed with Eli and wasn’t worried about me hurting him. No one except Eli knew how scared I was of getting hurt too.
We were sitting around the table, eating the Chinese food Danny had brought for us. Last week, I supplied dinner. We were like this big, happy family now. We were sitting around the table when Danny asked me, “Are you going to the annual Coleman family barbecue this weekend?”
My heart stopped. Just dropped dead in my chest. No, no I wasn’t going to the barbecue. In fact, I didn’t know anything about it. Danny obviously did. Elijah had never told me or invited me, which was supposed to be a good thing, but I suddenly wanted nothing more than to be at the Coleman family barbecue.
“I was going to ask you,” Elijah said.
“No, it’s fine. You don’t have to feel bad if it’s like, a family thing. It’s okay if you don’t want me to go.” It was okay because we weren’t really boyfriends, which was a big fat lie. It wasn’t okay. There was an ache in my chest, my heart deeply bruised. I wasn’t upset with him. I just…wanted this. And was afraid to want it.
Elijah sighed. “I want you to go. You know I want you to go. I honestly wasn’t sure if you would.”
“Why wouldn’t he go?” Danny asked, then looked at me. “Why wouldn’t you go?”
Fuck you very much, Danny. Of course he had to make me look like a dick. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t go.”
Elijah’s brown eyes sparkled. It was amazing, the look of joy that turned my way. Oh, he was going to wreck me. “You’ll go?”
The shock dripped from his words, surprise at something as simple as me going to a barbecue. Oh God. I was such a fucking dick. I didn’t need Danny to make me look like anything. I did a good enough job of that myself. “Yeah. Obviously, I’ll go.” Why? Why had I said that? I’d never met anyone’s parents before. Hell, I didn’t even know Will’s family. The thing was, I didn’t want to take it back. I thought it might kill me if Danny and Eli went to that barbecue without me.
He smiled that bright, happy smile I was in love with. Yep. I was totally screwed.