He held up his hand. “Can you not with the sarcasm, please? I… Jesus, E. I need a minute to clear my head.”
“Well, you had a hundred and twenty of them,” I countered before a stab of guilt pierced me. “What’s wrong, Shaw? What happened?” I tried to block out the other fear I’d spent the last couple of hours trying to deny, the part of me that worried this was the end. That Shaw was going to decide he couldn’t do this. That he didn’t want to do this. I’d trusted him and fallen in love with him, and I knew, knew he was going to break me.
“My head’s all fucked up.” He began pacing my living room. “You… I can’t stop thinking about you and—”
An electric current of pain shot through me. “Sorry for fucking with your head, apparently.”
“That’s not what I mean. It’s just… This wasn’t supposed to be anything. We were supposed to be hanging out, and then everything changed—your parents and the barbecue, and my parents, and Richie is back.”
If I thought what he said a moment before hurt, it was nothing compared to the agony that filled every part of me at hearing Richie was back. Richie, the only guy Shaw had ever loved. The guy he’d cared about so much, he’d sworn off ever loving again.
I took a step back, then another.
“I didn’t do anything with him, Eli. I wouldn’t do that to you. I have all these thoughts in my head, and I went to my parents’ house to deal with them, and then Richie was there and telling me he’s gay, and you… Fuck, E, there’s you too, and I can’t work through it.”
I didn’t reply right away because I didn’t have the words. If Shaw felt for me the way I felt for him, he would know, right? Richie wouldn’t matter. I knew I wanted him. I loved him. I would choose him. Even if Danny came to me and told me he loved me, it was Shaw I would want. But he couldn’t say the same. Fair or not, that truth sent anger rushing through me, overwhelming me, pulling me to this place I didn’t want to be. “You think this has been easy for me? I wanted nothing to do with you at first. It was supposed to be hanging out for me too, but it’s not, and we both know it! I’m not running, though. I’m here, but like always, you don’t know what you want!”
His eyes snapped to mine, the fire I felt reflected in his gaze too. “First, I didn’t say I didn’t know what I wanted. You decided that. I said I was working through it. But what the hell is that supposed to mean? That I never know what I want?”
“Exactly what I said, and don’t pretend you don’t know it. You’ve sworn off relationships.”
“If this is about being bi—”
“It’s not. You’re trying to come up with excuses right now. I know what being bi is and what it’s not. I never said you can’t choose between men and women. Denying bisexuality would be the same as someone discounting my sexuality, my being gay, and I would never do that. But you have a whole fucking website about not believing in love. You pretend you don’t love writing, that you don’t love helping people on that same website, while you do all these other things you don’t really love. Every time I try and talk to you about it, you brush it off, because you’re scared to admit what you want! You’re scared to want anything, and I get that. I get being afraid, but I can’t…I can’t get dragged along for the ride.” I sucked in a deep breath, unable to stop talking. “I want you. God, Shaw, I want you. I love you, and you know it, and you’re scared, but I’m not going to sit here waiting for you when you take off because you can’t sort through your thoughts. I’m not asking you for a fucking ring, but I’m also not going to sacrifice what I want, who I am, because you’re scared.”
“I’m not going to be the next Danny. You thought you loved him too, and you didn’t,” he said, and I felt like I’d been slapped.
“Get out.” I shook my head, pulled open the door, wanted to curl into a ball and cry.
“Shit. I didn’t mean that. It’s just—”
“Get. Out.”
“Okay, fine. We need some space to figure this stuff out, but what about the party this weekend? We’re supposed to perform, and I don’t want to let Susanne down.”
I closed my eyes, tried to breathe past the hurt. He didn’t want to let her down. It had nothing to do with me. “Fine, if you won’t leave, I will. Close my door behind you.”