I walked out of my apartment, ignoring Shaw shouting my name. I took the elevator up to Brooklyn’s floor, knocked on her door. The second she opened it, her smile slipped away. “Oh, Eli.” She must have read the look on my face. She opened her arms, and I stepped into them and cried.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Shaw
Elijah hadn’t been home in days. If he had, he was good at avoiding me, but somehow, I knew he wasn’t staying at home. He was with Danny, I was sure, and I couldn’t say I blamed him. He had put himself out there, told me how he felt, and I’d been scared, like I always was. I’d lashed out, said what I knew would get under his skin.
Like an idiot, I kept checking my Charades & Sexcapades email address, like he would message me through it the way he had before. He hadn’t, and he wouldn’t, and the truth was, he shouldn’t. I’d done nothing to deserve it.
All I’d done, actually, was sit in my apartment like a lovesick fool, watching animated movies and eating. I’d probably gained ten pounds, and I couldn’t find it in myself to care.
I knew Eli had been right in what he said. I never knew what I wanted—or at least, I denied it to myself.
There were few things in my life that I’d known, that had been concrete. Seven years ago, it had been Richie. But it wasn’t now. Not at all.
My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Foolishly, for a moment my heart jumped, thinking it could be Eli. But it wouldn’t be. I knew that. He was too strong to come back. The ball was in my court. I was the one in the wrong. I was the one who’d hurt him. That fact wouldn’t leave my thoughts. I’d hurt him, and I hated that.
I thought about ignoring whoever it was, but they knocked again. I got up, and without looking through the peephole, opened the door. “Great. Just what I need.”
Will smiled. “You stink.”
“Fuck you. I showered.”
He pushed into my apartment. “You look like you should stink. You’ve been ignoring my calls and texts. You haven’t been at the gym. I asked. I saw Eli at Raving Ramen, and he was acting weird, so I put two and two together. Did you and your boy break up?”
“We were just hanging out,” I lied.
“Stop lying to yourself.”
Ugh. It was like Will could read my mind.
He sat on the couch and patted the cushion beside him. “Talk to me. Be real with me. I’m not going to judge you. Don’t you know that by now? Believe me, I have my own shit.”
He was right. Of course he was right. Will had been nothing but the best friend to me for years. And I needed him. So I walked over, sat beside him, and began to talk. I told him about my parents, about Richie, about how scared I was.
“Wow… You’ve been holding all that in for a long time.”
“Makes me feel weak,” I admitted. I hated feeling that way. Love made you vulnerable, and every time I felt it, I hurt.
“Can I be real with you?”
“I expect nothing less.” That was Will and me. It had always been our relationship, and I hoped it always would be.
“First, your parents really need to get their shit together, but it’s just that—their shit. Not yours. You’re not your dad. Or your mom, for that matter. It’s funny how she calls you him, but it seems to me she’s not innocent herself.”
No, no she wasn’t. “Yeah, and I’m part of both of them.”
He rolled his eyes. “Stop acting like you’re twelve and not responsible for yourself. That’s not an excuse. You know that’s not how it works. You’re you. You’ve always been you. No one is responsible for our actions except us, just like no one can fix us except us. Let your parents fix their shit or not, but don’t let it ruin your life or make you afraid of anything. Second—”
“I’m not sure I can take any more.” I rubbed a hand over my chest.
“Yes you can. You’re stronger than you think. You project this cocky image to the world, and that’s okay if it’s not you, Shaw. Or if it’s only part of you. That wasn’t going to be my second point, but now it is. So, third. You love Elijah. You belong with him. He’s crazy about you, and you’re crazy about him. Christ, the way you look at him. I can see it, and that’s something I’ve never felt. But the truth is, I can tell you that until I’m blue in the face, and it wouldn’t matter. You need to deal with your shit—with your parents, with the douchebag ex-bestie—seriously, fuck that guy—and with how you feel about Elijah. He was right to tell you to figure out what you want, but I think you already know. What you really need to do is be brave enough to do something about it.”