He started trembling.
“Jameson?” I asked again, fear clawing at my throat.
He let go of my hand and went for the door. Jonathan stepped out of the way, his usually sun-kissed skin white as a ghost, as Jameson hurried out.
I ran after him. “Hey, what’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” he said over and over again, pacing the sidewalk in front of the house.
“Baby, what is it? What’s going on?”
“How can this happen? I don’t understand.” He shook his head. “I…” His eyes flickered over my shoulder. I turned around to see Jonathan standing there. “I can’t say. Ask your brother, Will. I can’t.” We were standing under the streetlights, and I could see Jameson’s brown eyes shimmering with tears.
I turned on Jonathan. “How the fuck do you know him? What did you do?” That was the only explanation. It had to be. Why else would Jameson be looking at him like that? Almost as if he were afraid.
“Lower your fucking voice,” Jonathan said through a tight mouth.
“Tell me what the fuck is going on, then!”
“I can’t. You…” he said to Jameson, an obvious plea in his voice.
My stomach dropped. Bile burned my throat. “Professor? What’s going on?”
Jameson’s eyes flickered to the house, but there was no movement. I didn’t know why they weren’t coming out, but I was thankful they weren’t. “Remember when I told you I met a guy on an app?”
Nooo.
“That we met up at a hotel and…with my hand, but he didn’t…”
“No.” It couldn’t be. “Fuck that. He’s straight.” I turned to Jonathan. “You’re straight. Tell him it wasn’t you.”
But he didn’t tell me. He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down. It was all the answer I needed.
“You’re queer? This whole fucking time you’ve been queer and you never told me? We could have talked about it! It could have made me feel less alone, yet you kept it to yourself? You picked on me and let me feel weak because of it, yet the whole time you’ve been queer?”
A lot of things suddenly started making more sense. How Jonathan never had a girlfriend. How he ignored me more than Brad and Nolan did. The other two teased me and gave me shit, but Jonathan? He acted like I didn’t exist.
And then it dawned on me. “You’re jealous because I’m not in the closet. Because no matter how hard it was at the time, I’ve always been who I am. Because I was doing what you wanted but didn’t have the courage to do.”
How could I not have seen it before?
“I, um…I’m better about it now. I’ve been…seeing someone,” he replied.
“You have a fucking boyfriend?”
“No. A therapist, I mean. About this…and some other stuff. And I’ve been…” The way his eyes darted to Jameson, I knew what he was saying. That he’d been experimenting. He’d been with guys. Then all I could think about was Jameson’s hand on him—on my brother. Of Jameson touching him and going to him because he needed something, and Jonathan using him and then walking away.
Of what that did to Jameson’s self-esteem, and again, Jameson’s hand on him and touching him, and… “I hate you,” I spit out.
“I know,” he replied. “But I promise, I was gonna tell you guys. Not about him, because I didn’t know, but about me.”
“I can’t.” I shook my head. This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. Jonathan was gay…or bi. He’d been seeing a therapist and messing around with guys and…Jameson. I couldn’t let myself think about that.
“Will, maybe you should listen to him,” Jameson said softly.
“I can’t. Not right now. Let’s go.”
I went to the car, Jameson following right behind me, and climbed in.
We didn’t talk the whole way back, but my thoughts, my thoughts never stopped.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Jameson
Will pulled up in front of my condo but didn’t turn off the car. We sat there for a moment. I didn’t know what to say. This was the last thing I ever expected to happen. Of all the guys in the Atlanta area, it had to be Will’s brother? “Are you mad at me?”
“What? No. I’m not. It’s not your fault. All you did was meet a guy to hook up with. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all. Jonathan is gay? Or bi? Hell, I don’t even know how he identifies. This is a lot, and I don’t know how to process it right now.”
I nodded. It made sense. I couldn’t imagine what he was going through. My eyes began to tear up. Poor, sweet Will. I hated that I’d met Jonathan. We hadn’t even kissed, but I hated that I’d touched him at all.
“All this time, Jay. He knew I was bi and he never told me? He let me feel like an outcast in my own family, and he couldn’t be like, hey, we’re the same, even if he didn’t want to tell everyone else? I get it with Dad. That he was in the closet. I think Dad’s whole world would have been shattered if he’d learned this about Jonathan, who was always his favorite, but why couldn’t he tell me?”