Awkward Love (Stumbling into Love 2)

Will’s voice broke at the last word. He shoved out of the car, and I did too.

“I’m so fucking pissed. I can’t believe he never told me. And I’m upset he had your hands on him, that he took advantage of you. I know it’s not your fault, and I’m not mad at you. I just… You’re mine. The person who cared about me, who wanted me, and I hate that you wanted him too.”

“I didn’t want him,” I rushed out. “I didn’t even know him. We hardly spoke. I was looking for someone to hook up with, that’s it. It’s you I want. I love you.”

Will grabbed me and pulled me to him. I wrapped my arms around him, and he started crying. I held him, kissed his temple, rubbed his back. Told him I loved him over and over, as his whole body vibrated against me. He sounded so broken, and it killed me that I had a part in it, even if I hadn’t known and it wasn’t my fault. It was none of our faults. It was just something that happened.

“Come inside with me. Let me take care of you.” When did anyone ever take care of Will? He was always there for other people, but who was ever there for him?

I would be. I’d always make sure to be there for him.

He nodded, and I took his hand and led him into my condo.

We went straight for my room. “Come on. Let’s take a shower.”

“Okay,” Will agreed. I took off his clothes, still so shocked that I got to do this, that I got to see him and be with him this way. I turned on the water, stripped off my own clothes, and pulled him into the stall.

I put soap onto a sponge and began washing him. I didn’t like that Will was hurt, but I enjoyed taking care of him, being there for him. He deserved people who did this for him, who had his best interests at heart.

“That feels good,” he whispered when I worked shampoo into his hair and scrubbed his scalp. “You’re going to spoil me.”

“I’ll do it every day.”

We finished washing up, and when we got out, I dried him off too. We didn’t get dressed before climbing into my bed together. It didn’t matter that it was early; I just wanted to hold him. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he replied, curling into my side. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight.

“Don’t hold it in. It’s okay to be upset. I think you hold everything in for the benefit of others. You never have to do that with me.”

He sighed, nuzzled my throat. “I’m so hurt and pissed. I feel guilt that Jonathan has dealt with this alone. That he felt more comfortable going to a therapist than talking to me. Not that he shouldn’t see someone, because I’m proud of him for that, but it makes me feel like…well, like a shit brother. Like I should have known. But then I’m also angry with him for treating me like shit, for ignoring me and making me feel bad for my choices, all because I was doing something he wasn’t ready to do. I mean, I know it was more than that because we were never close even before I was out, but…I look at you guys, at your family, and I want that. I want it so bad, and now it’s entwined with you, the best thing in my life.” He took a deep breath. “And God, you. I can’t imagine what this is like for you.”

“No, don’t. I’m fine, Will. This isn’t about me. I love you. I don’t want to be a part of anything that hurts you.”

“You make everything better, somehow. Even this.”

It was maybe the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me.

Will leaned in, and his lips found mine. I immediately parted them for him, his tongue sneaking inside. It was a slow kiss, one that I could somehow read, that said, I love you and I’m sorry and Don’t leave me.

It was devastating when I thought about the way I’d seen Will in the beginning, that I hadn’t seen past his facade. I’d thought since then that he was gorgeous and confident, that he wasn’t vulnerable, that he hadn’t ever suffered or felt alone, because how could he? A beautiful, strong man like that? But the truth was, we all had our struggles, we all felt alone sometimes or less than or unloved. It didn’t matter what we looked like or what we showed others on the surface. That was never who we fully were inside.

Will rolled to his back and took me with him. When he spread his legs, I rested between them as we slowly kissed and thrust our bodies together, needing to be close. In that moment, I would’ve melted into him if I could, would’ve fused our bodies together so we were one.