“I…” My words caught in my throat. I didn’t know what to say, what to feel. How did one prepare for this?
“He knew,” Jonathan said, cutting me off. “I mean, kind of. He caught me once. I was thirteen. Remember my then best friend, Bill?”
“Yeah, he stopped coming around suddenly.”
“Dad…he, um, caught us in that old tree house we used to have. We were kissing, and Dad lost his shit. That’s why he…”
“Tore it down,” I finished for him. “He tore down our tree house. He said he was going to build a new one, but he never did.”
“Nope.” Jonathan reached for a beer I hadn’t noticed before on the coffee table and took a swig. “So, I lost Bill. Dad tore down the tree house. I told him it was a onetime thing and that I was confused. That I didn’t like boys and I’d never do it again. That was when he started spending more time with Nolan. It took him a while, but eventually he got close with me again, believed I wasn’t that way.”
I noticed that Jonathan still hadn’t used any descriptors, like gay or bisexual.
“Shit, man. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how that must have felt, but did you think it was easy on me? To always be the odd man out, to never feel part of my brothers’ world? To be picked on and told I didn’t know how to take a joke when none of you were treating each other the way you were me?”
“You don’t think I fucking hate myself for that shit?” He ran a hand through his hair. “If you don’t think you’re a big fucking part of my therapy sessions, you’re crazy. I hate myself for not being as brave as you, for treating you the way we did, for being a coward. God, don’t you see? You had a choice, Will. I never did. You had a choice to be who you are in a way Dad never would have accepted from me. You had a choice to be with men because you like being with women too. I tried. I can’t tell you how many times I fucking tried, but I despised it. You had a choice when it came to Carson Construction because you weren’t going to let Dad, Nolan, and Brad down the way I was. You didn’t need me.”
But that was where he was wrong. “It wasn’t ever easy on me, not the way you make it sound. It was hard as hell, and I needed you, Jonathan. I still do, and…and I think you need me too.”
My brother’s eyes snapped to mine.
And then, then we were hugging each other. We were crying. He was telling me he was sorry, and I told him I accepted it. When we both managed to stop the tears, he said, “I really am sorry, ya know? Words don’t fix it, but this is…this is something I’ve been working a lot on in therapy—this moment. Telling you and asking for forgiveness. I’m still not exactly where I need to be. I’m not totally comfortable with it all, but I’m getting better. Christ, I was fucked up.”
“No, you weren’t. Society is fucked up, and it makes us feel like we are, but it’s not us. It’s them.”
“Thank you. I’m, um, sorry, about your…boyfriend? Fuck, I don’t even know his name.”
“It’s Jameson.” I still hated the idea of that, of the fact that Jameson had touched him, but not enough to make it change anything. Neither of them had known Jameson would one day have a connection to me, and even if they had, we all had pasts, histories. It wasn’t fair to hold previous hookups against anyone. “I love him. He’s… God, he’s great.”
“Tell me about him,” Jonathan said, and for the first time, my brother and I talked. We spoke about guys and crushes and how we saw the world. It was incredible.
Hours passed by before he said, “I want to tell Mom, Brad, and Nolan. I know it’s asking a lot, and I probably don’t have the right, not after how I’ve treated you, but would you go with me? Would you be there?”
“Of course.” I put a hand on Jonathan’s shoulder and squeezed.
“Maybe tonight? We can get together at the house before I lose my nerve? Fuck, I had to call in to work today.”
“I’ll take care of it.”
I called my brothers and asked them to meet us at Mom’s house after work. They were confused but agreed. I called Mom next and told her, followed by Jameson.
“Hey, Professor.” I’d gone out on the front porch when I called him.
“Hi. I was worried when I woke up to find you gone, but then I saw your note. Dad called to check on you. He said you told him you had a family emergency. Is everything okay?”