Maybe they were trying to do the right thing, but it sure as fuck didn’t feel like it. What it felt like was a knife to the back, a kick to the gut, like they didn’t want to be around me anymore but didn’t know how to go about it. “Without me? The two of you were talking without me and decided you’re going to give me permission to take a break?”
Brad rolled his eyes. “Fuck off. Don’t make it sound like that. It wasn’t some big plot against our oldest brother. You don’t want to be here, just like Will didn’t want to be here. So if you want to take a break, or whatever, you can. We can handle it. That’s all we’re saying. If you decide you want to come back, there’s always a place for you.”
It felt like they’d injected ice into my veins, but at the same time, a soft voice in the back of my head whispered, Finally. Not that I didn’t like construction. I enjoyed working with my hands and building things, but working here, working with them in the company my father built, felt like I was living my life as the Jonathan he’d wanted me to be. Like he’d worked his magic, had constructed the perfect son in his image, exactly the way he’d wanted me, and I was still doing that, being that, even after he was gone.
That was always when the guilt tackled me because he was my dad and I’d loved him and I knew he’d loved me too.
For some reason, that only made me angrier. “So what, both Will and I like dick, so we’re not ‘man enough’ to work construction anymore?”
Nolan shoved out of the back of the truck and to the ground. “Fuck you, Jonathan. We didn’t say that shit. You did.”
“You didn’t have to say it. I can’t believe you guys went behind my back, talking about me and the company Dad wanted me to run.”
“That’s so like you—throwing it in our faces that you were always Dad’s favorite. Do you think you still would be?” Brad sneered.
My whole body went hot, my hands tightened into fists, and I saw red.
“Hey. Cut that shit out. Both of you,” Nolan said, but it was hard to process through the buzzing in my ears.
“Fuck. You.” I turned and climbed into the driver’s seat of my truck.
“Shit. I didn’t mean that,” Brad said.
“Just get in the truck.”
They stalled for a minute, then both did as I said. We drove back to the office in silence. As soon as I pulled in, Brad said, “It’s just…different now, ya know?”
Because I was gay.
“We’re not trying to get rid of you,” Nolan added. “We just thought…you don’t seem happy.”
And I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever been happy. I’d talked with my therapist about that a lot, but then stopped going. The truth was, I wanted to try something new. I wanted out. I wanted to work through who the fuck I was…and maybe I’d decide this was it. Maybe I’d realize I did love running Carson Construction, working with two of my brothers, and doing that as an out gay man. I’d just never had any options before, never considered anything else. “I’m not…happy, and I don’t know what I want,” I admitted.
“We’re, um…not going anywhere, ya know? Maybe you should figure your shit out.” Brad didn’t look at me. Neither of them did. It was as if two words—I’m gay—had built a wall between us. I didn’t know how to tear it down or what would remain of my old life when I did.
CHAPTER TWO
Danny
“I don’t wanna get my blood drawn.” The little boy buried his face into the pillow on his hospital bed.
“I know you don’t, sweetie, but you have to.” His mom brushed his hair back from his forehead as he peeked out, his blue eyes wide, then nuzzled in again.
“Can I tell you a secret, Stanley?” I asked softly. “It’s a really embarrassing secret, so you can’t tell anyone.”
This piqued his interest, making him look up at me and nod.
“I used to be really scared to get my blood drawn when I was a kid. I actually fainted one time. Another one, I knew we had to go to the doctor, and I hid in my closet so we were late for our appointment. My mom was super mad at me, and I got grounded for two whole weeks.” All true. I had a lot of fears when I was younger, and needles were one of them. It was something I’d hidden well from kids at school. I’d worked hard to conquer them before heading into high school because, well, high school. I’d gone into it expecting to make them the best four years of my life until that point, and I’d done that. I was nothing if not determined.