Messy Love (Stumbling into Love 3)

“Fuck yes, he is, but it’s weird. I’ve fucked guys, but I never knew them. I wasn’t on baseball teams with them, and I didn’t text them, and it’s crazy because I don’t even know what this is. Is it a date? I’ve never been on a date with a guy. Is he asking me as a friend? A fuck buddy?” He set the glass on the coffee table, leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. “Christ, I can’t believe I just said all that shit to you. I hate feeling out of my element and insecure.”

“I hate that you’ve never been able to talk to anyone like this before, because there’s nothing wrong with it. We all need it.” I leaned forward too, and rested my chin on his shoulder. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”

When Jonathan put a hand on my thigh, shock rushed through me before settling into comfort. “I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Can we pretend I didn’t say any of that?”

“Nope.”

“How did I know you would say that?”

“Because you know me.”

He sat back and removed his hand. I missed the warmth of it, but only because I’d always been affectionate. I’d always enjoyed being close to people, and during our movie nights, I had to consciously refrain from cuddling him.

“Do you want it to be a date?” I asked, then…wait, what the fuck. Why was I holding my breath?

“I don’t fucking know.” He shook his head. “I miss sex.”

“Naturally, but there are options for that, other than a date.”

“I know.”

I dropped my head to his shoulder. “My baby gay is growing up.”

“Your baby gay is older than you.”

His hand found its way to my thigh again, and I wondered if this was new for Jonathan. If he’d ever sat with a man on the couch this way, touching and taking comfort without it having to do with hooking up. Did he have friends he’d been able to do this with? I didn’t think so, and he probably wouldn’t have allowed himself, fearing he’d be outed. I was glad he felt comfortable doing it with me.

“Wanna know something?” he added.

“Sure.”

“Whether it’s a date or even just a friendship thing…I’m excited. I’ve never done this, never had this. It makes me feel more real.” He groaned. “That sounds so stupid. It makes me feel more real? How do you make this shit come out of me?”

“First, I didn’t do anything. Second, it doesn’t sound stupid. It sounds honest and human. A lot of queer people grow up hiding a big part of who they are and not having the same experiences as others. You’re living that now, and there’s nothing more real than that.”

Jonathan stiffened for a second, then relaxed. “If you tell anyone I said any of that, they won’t find the body.”

A laugh tumbled from my lips, and then he was chuckling too. He patted my thigh a couple of times like I was a kid or something, before taking his hand away. I pulled back from him as well. “Just like always, my lips are sealed.” I pretended to lock them and throw away the key.

“What are you doing tonight?” he asked.

“Nothing. I don’t really feel like going anywhere. I was planning on lounging all evening and resting up for our big game.” The lie came easily. I didn’t want Jonathan to feel guilt or any obligation since I’d made plans for us.

“I should go jump in the shower.” He stood, stretched, showed off his treasure trail and muscular stomach. I tried not to whimper.

“Have fun, handsome.”

He rolled his eyes and smiled before walking away.

Holy fuck. I was…jealous of Mark, and I really wanted Jonathan to stay home with me.

It was just because I liked the chase, I told myself. The less interested a guy was in me, the more interested I was in him.

Deep down, I knew it was a lie.

Jonathan was…different.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Jonathan

Mark asked me to meet him at the same bar and grill Danny had taken me to. When I arrived, Mark was standing outside waiting for me, wearing a pair of jeans and a button-up Hawaiian shirt. I didn’t know why, but the shirt made me smile, while at the same time, nerves ran through me. I was a thirty-two-year-old man who was nervous to be on a maybe-date with someone. I needed to chill the fuck out.

“Hey. How’s it going?” I asked, approaching him. “Sorry if I’m late.”

“You’re not. You’re right on time.” He gave me a sexy smirk. “Have you been here before?” Mark opened the door for me, then placed a hand at the small of my back to lead me inside, and…well, that was new. I’d had a guy’s dick in my mouth and mine in his, but I’d never had one touch my back to guide me like this.