“I’m sorry. I hate that he made you feel bad about who you are. I’m going to work every day to make sure you feel better.”
I nuzzled him. “I already do.”
Danny reached over, turned off the lamp, and held me as we went to sleep.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Danny
“You’ve been so busy lately,” Elijah said as we walked down Peachtree. He’d had his recital, which I’d gone to, but outside of that, I hadn’t seen him.
And he was right. After the Fourth of July, Jonathan and I had been even more attached at the hip. Between baseball—we’d played and won more games—work, sex, and just hanging out, I hadn’t made time for much of anything else. Oh, and did I mention sex? He loved my dick inside him, and was getting to the point where he wasn’t embarrassed to ask for it either. I’d offered him my ass too, but so far, Jonathan was enjoying being a hungry little bottom, one who loved dick. I loved to give it to him, so it worked out perfectly.
“Yeah, I know. Jonathan and I have been spending a lot of time together. Sorry about that.”
Elijah nudged me as we made a turn, heading toward his building. “Don’t be sorry. I get it. Sure, in the beginning I had my feelings hurt some, but Shaw reminded me that we were the same when we were falling in love.”
“It’s weird as fuck. I want to be with him all the time. I’ve never wanted that. Usually I’m ready to move on by now, but all I do is think about him and want to find more ways to spend extra time with him.”
“Wow…okay, I’m totally freaking the fuck out now. I expected you to deny it when I mentioned falling in love.”
Oh shit. I hadn’t even caught that, but the truth was, I’d already fallen, and I’d been acknowledging it to myself more and more since I talked with Mama. Jonathan was… “I don’t know what it is about him. Was it that way with you and Shaw? I mean, I can give you qualities I like about him, but…”
“When you love someone, it feels like it’s more than that, right? More than them being funny or a good person. It’s just something inside of you, of them, that makes them different for you.”
“Exactly! I thought I was losing my mind or something. But he feels right in a way no one else ever has.”
“Oh my God. I can’t believe this. You’re in love. I’m so happy for you.” Elijah threaded his arm through mine as we walked into his building. “Have you told him yet?”
His question dropped a heavy weight in my gut, one that weighed down a moment when I’d just felt buoyant. “Is Shaw home?”
Elijah frowned. “No, he’s with Will.”
“I’ll tell you upstairs.”
Elijah nodded, and we took the elevator up to his apartment. When we got inside, I flopped down on the couch. “I’m worried I’m pushing him,” I admitted.
“What? No way. You would never do that.”
“No, no. What I mean is…” I wasn’t sure how to word what I was trying to say, or if it made any sense, or really, how to bring it up without betraying Jonathan’s confidence. I would never share any of the private conversations we had about his dad or how he felt about things. “He’s great when we’re alone—like, seriously, we’re all over each other and it’s perfect. He’s good about the baseball team, and about you guys. Even when we were with my family, it was good, but he still rarely talks to his brothers. He avoids their calls. He hasn’t told them about me or baseball. He went to see his mom, and I hoped he would invite me, but he didn’t. And I know I can’t be mad at him for that. It’s like pushing someone to come out, or to be out in a situation where they don’t feel safe or comfortable. I would never want to do that to him, but…”
“But you love him and want to be a part of every aspect of his life. You want to feel like he’s in it as much as you are, and you want him to feel settled in his own skin.”
“Yes! Exactly. I’m afraid that at some point he’s going to decide this isn’t what he wants, that he’ll go back to his old life, or that it’s all too much for him. Hell, even if he doesn’t, I worry his life will always be divided, that I won’t get to be a part of his family life. And then I feel like shit because can you imagine how that must feel to him? That he’s not secure in bringing his boyfriend around his brothers or his mom? That would fucking kill me.”
How could I expect him to do that? Especially when I knew how his dad had made him feel and, well, because I thought he’d transferred that fear in being who he is from his dad to Brad and Nolan. It felt like they represented what his dad had been to him.