‘Famous last words.’
He touches the side of my face, just above my temple, but I draw away, angry with him about all kinds of things, only some of which I can identify.
‘Chill,’ he says. ‘Smile. You’re on candid camera.’
‘A bit too bloody candid,’ I grumble.
‘I thought you’d be in your element.’
‘Do you want to see what we’ve got so far?’ invites Sophie, and he goes to join her as she fast-forwards through a few digital stills.
‘Come and see, Sophie,’ he says, but I don’t want to look at them. ‘Suit yourself,’ he mutters.
I watch him from the corner of my eye. His lips are curled up at one side, as if something amuses him, but his eyes are intensely focused, almost anxious. ‘I remember when you used to look at me like that,’ he says.
‘I was looking at you.’
‘Back when I worked in the cocktail bar. You always had this look. Kind of “I want you, but I hate that I want you, so I’ll pretend to myself that I don’t.” Remember?’
‘No. Because I didn’t want you. Not back then.’
‘Yes, you did.’
His flat assertion needles me, and makes me question myself. Is he right? Did I want him without knowing it? What were the implications of that? Were my thoughts not to be trusted?
Sash switches off the viewer and claps her hands, dispelling the tension. ‘So. Lloyd. You had some ideas for this section of the shoot, I believe.’
‘Yeah. Soph, come over here.’
He sounds conciliatory, a little exasperated. He sits on the sofa and pats the space beside him. I wonder if he wants me to fail or succeed. Which would be the better outcome for him?
I sit next to him, but not on the side he indicates. Instead, his discarded jacket lies between us, a no-man’s-land of light-grey pure wool.
‘What are you going to make me do?’
‘Oh goodness, I only photograph consenting subjects!’ exclaims Sasha. ‘There’s no forcing involved.’
Lloyd turns so his face isn’t visible to her and mouths the word ‘Fail’ with a raise of his eyebrows. I have to save this if I want to pass the test.
‘It’s OK,’ I say. ‘Lloyd and I … we have this sparring kind of relationship. It’s just our idea of fun.’
‘I see,’ says Sash, but I doubt she really does.
‘We like to push each other’s boundaries,’ he adds. ‘Challenge each other. That’s what this is all about, really.’
‘A challenge?’
‘Exploring limits,’ he says. ‘Isn’t it, Soph?’
‘Something like that.’
‘So, I told Sasha we could do some action shots.’
‘By action you mean …?’
‘Sex.’
‘Porn?’