He looked hurt, and I felt a bit annoyed for a moment until I remembered what he’d said about his mother at the funeral. Joss was used to giving his heart and having it rebuffed. He always hoped for more.
‘I do love you,’ I told him. ‘More than ever, now. But there’s no need to rush anything. All right?’ I kissed him, a brief but tender thing, on his lips.
He looked happier then and we lay in silence, both of us needing quiet time to think.
I thought about the heartbreak of losing him the last time, but now I could see it clearly. I could see Joss, also heartbroken, longing to call me but petrified of the consequences. To know that he had suffered just as I had, changed everything.
We slept for a while and woke up feeling sticky and heavy.
‘Are you hungry?’ I asked him.
‘Not really, but we should probably eat something. I bought a few bits and pieces at the little shop on the site.’
‘God, nobody uses that shop – it’s fearsomely expensive! Everyone goes to Tesco in Tylney.’ I laughed at his face; he looked as if I were speaking a foreign language.
Later, sitting at the little table eating bowls of pasta with everything-in-the-fridge sauce, we tried our hands at casual conversation. It was tricky. We only seemed capable of talking about big themes these days. My anecdotes about the hopeless old cooker in mum’s caravan sounded flat and dry.
‘Do you think Mr Millionaire is in situ yet?’ I asked. At the back of my mind, I’d had a plan to sneak off into the woods and spy, but I doubted Joss would approve.
He looked as if he’d just drunk from the bottle of vinegar on the table.
‘Don’t know, don’t care,’ he said tartly.
‘You don’t like to think of him in your home?’
‘Not much, no.’
‘The Hall is very important to you. Why is it so important?’
‘Because it’s mine. God knows I had to go through enough to keep hold of it. Including losing you, Lucy. So if someone else takes if off me, everything I went through was for nothing.’
‘It must feel like someone sleeping with your wife.’
He blinked.
‘Yes. That’s exactly it. That’s what it feels like. Like I’m being forced to share her. Cuckolded.’
‘And you’re ashamed. And it feeds into all your childhood feelings of inadequacy.’
He nodded, his eyes misty again.
‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to upset you.’
‘Perhaps I need to be upset. This whole business – it’s made me look at my life. It’s a wake-up call.’
‘You mentioned you almost got married last year. Did you love her?’
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but I felt it was important that we both got everything out into the open now. I wanted to know that my feet were on steady ground with Joss, or I wouldn’t be able to continue with this.
‘No,’ he confessed, his face contorting with guilt. ‘No. She worked it out for herself in the end. I needed her money.’
‘Joss, that’s really shitty.’
‘I know. It’s what I came to. My lowest point. I didn’t love anyone, after you. Couldn’t bring myself to take the risk. I dated a succession of rich It girls and went to kinky parties for my real kicks. I never mixed the two.’
‘And the kinky parties – nobody there appealed to you?’
‘I didn’t know their names most of the time. They belonged to other men who enjoyed showing them off and sharing them. I never had one of my own. Didn’t have the time, money or talent for living a double life to keep a submissive.’