I turned to him, stunned and excited.
‘Do you know her?’ I asked.
‘Do I know her?’ He pinched his lips, gazing miserably into the unlit fireplace. ‘I am her.’
For a strange, swelling moment, nobody spoke.
Then I managed a croaky ‘What?’
Ed sighed gustily and continued to stare into the soot-stained hearth.
‘Yes. It’s a silly fantasy of mine, to imagine what it’s like to be a female submissive. I often dress in women’s clothes for my sessions with Maria. This seemed like a harmless enough way to express…that side of myself.’
‘You’re Mia Culpa?’ I repeated stupidly. Keane was apparently stunned into silence, for once.
‘Yes, I’m Mia Culpa.’
‘You’re a very good artist,’ I said, in an effort to cheer him up, though God knows why I wanted to, given my circumstances.
‘Thanks,’ he said, and a watery smile was directed at me for my trouble. ‘You promise you won’t tell anyone?’
I bit my lip. How could I promise that? Tom would have to know. But I nodded, just to keep Keane’s cane off my back.
‘So…’ Keane’s voice had returned. ‘You were writing a blog pretending to be a woman?’
‘Yes,’ said Ed.
‘That’s none of my business,’ Keane said. ‘But why did you have to bring me into it? She says you blogged about a lover who sounded just like me. What was that about?’
Ed’s usually mottled colouring deepened to an ashamed crimson.
‘I’m really sorry, Judd,’ he whispered. ‘It was stupid of me. But whenever I imagined myself as a sub…I always imagined you as my Dom.’
‘That’s…’ Again, Keane had no words. He coughed, then said, ‘I thought you were straight. I mean, seeing Maria and all that. And you’re married, for Christ’s sake!’
‘I think I must be what they call pansexual,’ Ed said apologetically. ‘I haven’t found a more descriptive term for it yet.’
‘But you want to be a woman?’ said Keane, stubbornly misunderstanding.
‘No, no. I don’t want to be a woman,’ said Ed. ‘But sometimes I like to think about being one. About having breasts and…and…that kind of thing. Haven’t you ever wondered?’
‘No, I bloody well haven’t,’ said Keane.
‘Don’t listen to him,’ I said, disliking Keane more and more as the conversation progressed. ‘He’s got no imagination. I think your blog was wonderful. I was a big fan.’
‘Thank you,’ said Ed, bringing out the watery smile again. ‘I’ve never met somebody who’s read it before. It’s nice to know I managed to entertain somebody, at least.’
‘All right, enough of the pervy love-in,’ said Keane with disgust. ‘She’s trying to butter you up. She thinks she can get away with this.’ He tapped his cane on my shoulder and I flinched so hard I nearly fell face-forwards.
‘Why did you delete it?’ I asked, wanting to ignore Keane and make him go away so that Ed and I could discuss his fascinating blog at length.
‘My wife found it,’ he said sadly. ‘So it had to go.’
Keane laughed. ‘What did Gill have to say about that?’
‘A lot of things,’ said Ed. ‘Ending with her deciding to move out until I made up my mind whether I was a straight vanilla married man or…what.’
‘You never said,’ said Keane.