‘Sarah.’
We shook hands and came out of the dreary November chill into the sumptuous warmth of the front sitting room. She and Jasper had near-identical taste, I thought, approving of the woodwork and soft furnishings.
‘What a lovely room,’ I said.
‘Thank you. Jasper has a lovely house too, as I’m sure you know. Full of bedrooms. If only he could stay inside them.’
‘Yes, yes, I know,’ said Jasper irritably. ‘It was stupid. But it’ll blow over.’
‘Well,’ said Lavinia, putting another log on the fire. ‘I’m sure you’re right. I’ll fetch tea. You must be gasping.’
She left the room and Jasper came to perch beside me on the sofa. He took my hand.
‘See, I told you she wouldn’t bite. She likes you.’
‘Do you think?’
‘Love, if I brought Lady Macbeth home she’d like that too. She’s desperate for me to settle down.’
‘What happened to your father?’ I asked, seeing a giant portrait of an even younger-looking Lavinia on the arm of a handsome man with Jasper’s smile.
‘He killed himself,’ said Jasper, matter-of-factly.
‘Oh, God. I’m sorry. God, you never said … you never tell me anything.’
‘I’m telling you now. I thought you’d ask, actually.’
‘I’ve always meant to. Just …’
Why hadn’t I asked before? We were always in the heat of the moment, Jasper and I. Always entangled in the now. We’d spoken only glancingly of our pasts. I could see why he was like that, but why was I? It was because I was scared, I realised in a rush. Scared of knowing him so well that I couldn’t un-know him, couldn’t ever step back from him. Jasper was like an abyss that swallowed one whole. You either stayed out or fell in.
‘Just what?’
I lowered my voice to a whisper, without quite knowing why.
‘I’ve been waiting, I think.’
‘Waiting?’
‘To be sure of you.’
‘You aren’t sure of me?’
‘I daren’t presume …’
‘Oh, you … come here.’ He pulled me closer and kissed me. ‘Presume,’ he said. ‘OK? Presume away, anything you like.’
‘Don’t say that,’ I said. ‘Tell me. Tell me what I can rely on.’
‘You can rely on me. I’m not going anywhere. You’re what I want. You give me everything I need and you’re good for me. You make me want to care. I mean, I’ve spent years trying to avoid caring about anything and now you …’
‘It’s real?’
‘Totally real. I know I’m being an idiot and I’ll probably scare you off, but …’
His eyes couldn’t lie. He believed what he was saying.
‘I’m not scared,’ I said. ‘Not any more. I was, but not now.’