‘After the meal, he drove us to Virginia Water. We went for a walk along the shores of the lake.’
‘Sounds very romantic.’
‘It wasn’t really. You know, not self-consciously. I mean, we weren’t trying to be romantic. Just friends enjoying an afternoon together. But then we got into this quiet part of the wood, and nobody else seemed to be about, and he took out a Swiss Army knife.’
‘As one does, during a romantic woodland walk.’ Rob grinned. ‘Bit unnerving.’
‘Well, yes, a bit. But he handed it to me and pointed at a tree and said, “Cut me some switches”.’ She laughed despite herself at her impersonation of Richard’s deep, Northern tones.
Rob laughed with her. ‘If I ever hear him talk for real … I bet he sounds nothing like that.’
‘He does, though! Like Sean Bean, but a bit posher. And then he said, “Supple as you can, please.” So I guess the tree was a birch, but I don’t know much about trees.’
‘Trees, cars. What do you know about?’
‘I can name you every Olympic and Paralympic sport if you like.’
‘Thanks but no thanks.’
‘Anyway, yes, the tree was a birch. I know weeping willows and oaks and conker trees.’
‘Horse chestnuts.’
‘Yeah, those. But birches just look like a lot of other ones really, don’t they. Anyway, it wasn’t really a tree, more a kind of bush.’
‘A shrub.’
‘I suppose. I cut some bits off it. Richard wanted about six. I felt really guilty and I kept thinking that some official royal gardener might catch us, and have us arrested for defacing Her Majesty’s trees or something, and we’d end up in the Tower. But nothing like that happened.’
‘Richard would have paid them off. He’s probably good mates with Prince Charles or something.’
‘I don’t think so. After I cut the little branchy things, I gave them to Richard and he made me go and stand with my arms around a tree trunk.’
Rob’s jaw dropped. ‘He didn’t whip you in the open air, did he? The fucker. I want to do that! I’ve been waiting for the summer. The bastard.’
‘He didn’t do it properly. Said the switches needed trimming first and besides, I was dressed for church in a corduroy skirt, so it wasn’t going to hurt as much as he likes it to. And I was very antsy about Sunday strollers happening upon us.’
‘And did they?’
‘No, luckily. Richard just gave me a swipe across the seat of my skirt with each wand, to test them. The cord deadened the sound a bit, but it was still bloody painful. I was kind of dreading what might happen next.’
‘What did happen next?’
‘We came back here.’
‘You never go to his place, do you?’
‘He has a teenage son.’
‘Oh, right. I didn’t know that.’
‘Why would you? He doesn’t know you live in a shared house in Acton, either.’
‘I need to get my own place. I’ve got enough for a deposit on a flat saved. I’m going to make an appointment with the bank next week.’
‘Let’s not descend into mortgage chat, eh? This isn’t a dinner party.’
‘Oh, I’m going to enjoy thrashing you today. You’re in one of your moods.’