Something She Can Feel

I entered meekly and took a seat in one of the three chairs before his desk. Even seated, my father looked enormous, heavy. And while I was angry and wanted to curse and throw something, this was still the man I’d known as my father all of my life. If no one managed to evoke the fear of God within, it was him.

“I just wanted to come by ... Mama said—”

“You don’t need an excuse to come and see me.” He closed a book in front of him and slid it to the side. “In fact, I always wished you’d spent more time with me ... here.”

“Well, you know, I was just always in the choir, so that was my place,” I said and what sounded like gibberish to me in my head echoed the same in my ears.

“Yeah,” he said blankly. “So, your mother got off okay with Justin this morning?”

“You know Mama’s always on schedule. She had him running around the house at dawn.”

“Yeah, she has her way.”

“She does.”

We sat there nodding at my mother’s abilities and I wondered if he knew, really knew how amazing she was. She had a long list of faults, but her heart was always in the right place. She loved all of us so much and sacrificed everything to make us happy. I wanted him to know that. To see that and somehow undo what he’d done to her. I could imagine how she must’ve felt all those years watching Jack grow in front of her, beside her. She was sharing a stage with my father’s mistress and couldn’t say a word. I wanted to be angry at her for cheating too, but I didn’t know what else she could’ve done. Leaving, for her, wasn’t an option. My mother was a lifetime giver.

Thinking of this made me weep a bit inside for my mother and before I knew it, I was crying.

“What is it?” my father asked, rising from his seat and rushing over to me.

“Why, Daddy?” I cried. “Why did you do it? You di

dn’t have to do it.”

“Oh, baby girl—”

“No! Don’t do that to me. I’m not a little girl anymore. I don’t need you to try to make this all right. I need you to explain to me how you could do something like that to my mother.”

“There’s nothing I can say ...”

“Try,” I growled. “You just try.”

“You want me to try?” he said and in his eyes I found frozen and unmoving tears. “I’m a weak man. Is that what you want to hear? I always have been. But I love your mother.”

“Then why would you do that to her? And then lie about it all these years?”

“A foolish man can’t explain everything he does, Journey,” he said. “Most of what I did to your mother was chasing fool’s gold. I thought I needed all those women around me to make me something. But as it went on, I just realized it wasn’t but one in the bunch that really could.” He stood up and straightened his jacket. “When Jack was born, I knew I couldn’t just turn my back on him and I didn’t want to lose your mother and everything we were trying to build, so I did the best I could. I’ve been a father to that boy just the same way I’ve been a father to you and your brothers. Just like you ain’t gone without, he ain’t never gone without.”

“So does that make it okay? Are we supposed to just let it all go and be one big happy family because you paid for your mistake?”

“I never asked all of you to be a family,” he said, looking into my eyes. “And not one of my children was a mistake. Not one.”

“Does he know you’re his father?”

“His mother and I told him when he came of age.”

I got up from my seat and walked over to the window.

Letting out a sad whimper, I noticed how still the lake outside looked. Not one ripple in it.

“So what about us? Does he want to be a part of our family?”

“He’d like nothing more, precious,” he said, coming over and standing behind me. I could see our reflections, connected and blending into one another in the glass.

“I can’t imagine what it’s been like for him. Knowing all these years.... And not being able to tell anyone.... And Jr. What this has done to Jr... . He’s bent over backward and all this time I thought it was because he was trying to be you, when really he was angry and upset that he had to share you.”

“I’ve thought about that,” he said, turning me around to him. “And so many times I’ve tried to talk to your brother, but he’s like a brick ... he won’t hear nothing but what’s in his head.”