“Mia, you know that’s wrong. That’s not what the 3Ts are about. We can’t just let her move out on her family, leaving those girls alone with Lionel, and God only knows what else she’s going to do with her body.”
“And who’s going to stop her?”
Troy couldn’t answer Tamia.
“Exactly,” Tamia said. “She’s not going to listen to either of us. And besides, sometimes I feel a little responsible. If we hadn’t brought Porsche back into her life, maybe she’d be better off.”
“I don’t think so. I think it would be worse. She was going to have Toni anyway.”
“Well, either way, I don’t want to get burned,” Tamia said. “I love Tasha, but she’s going to have to work this ou
t on her own. She’ll get tired of being away from her children. And Lionel isn’t going to keep her bank account full for long. This is just another one of her stunts to get some attention.”
“But who’s going to suffer?” Troy asked.
“Toni and Tiara will be fine,” Tamia said. “I spoke to Lionel and he’s okay. You know he’s not going to let those little girls go without.”
“You’re right,” Troy said. “So, what about you? Are you going to go after your hunky client with the Dude Diet?”
“Um…probably not,” Tamia said. “Does Tasha look like the kind of person I need to be taking advice from?”
“You have a point, but she does too. You can’t marry one man if you have feelings for another. You might as well check it out. Check him out.”
“Check you out, Ms. Lovesong,” Tamia teased, “giving advice. What’s going on with you?”
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The Dude Diet: Giving Less Love to Get More Love
You lit candles at the Novena station at the church, asking God to send you a good man to save you from your boring life of solotude. You want to be “in a relationship” on Facebook. You want to play Scrabble in the park and drink wine as the sun sets. You want to sit at the “couples” table at the next wedding and proudly announce that you are taken when they call “all the single ladies” to the dance floor for the bouquet toss. And then, just like that, He (no, not Jesus) appears, and you’re swept off your feet and into a fairy tale courtship of expensive dinners, weekends out of town, family gatherings, and sex that’s so good, you proudly break up with BOB—your battery-operated boyfriend. You’re in love. You give him your everything. You call. You e-mail. You put everything in your life to the side to make room for him. Then something happens. You realize that you’ve been having a lot of fun, a bunch of fun…but just fun and you want more. And then you ask an inevitable question: “Where is this going?” and your darling answers as you expected: “I’m just having fun. I wasn’t looking for anything else.”
Before you burst into tears, throw in the old love towel, and give up on Prince Charming, know that maybe there’s a way the connection could be salvaged. Yes. You could make it work. You could get more love from that man (or any man, for that matter) by giving a little less of yourself. Basically, in your enthusiasm for finding love, you forgot one important thing—men are predators and once the prey is hunted and caught, it’s time to move on. Now, he probably didn’t have to hunt to get you. After enduring the desperation of lighting those Novena candles, you just fell on the floor and rolled over. Don’t worry, you can reverse this history. Just get up and get ready for the chase. Try these five steps for giving less love to the men in your life, to get more in return.
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Take notice of him: There are two things you must decide about every man you allow into your life—(a) If he’s worth your time of day. (b) If he’s giving you the time of day. On the first point, stop making exceptions and excuses for people you don’t really like. That doesn’t mean you can’t love that convict. You could. But don’t try if you can’t and if you can, don’t try to change him. Stop acting as if you need someone to choose you…and choose someone. Settling will only get you a settlement and we all know that’s less than market value.
????? Also ask yourself if the person is truly into you—if you find you are into him. Now, this is hard to do, but it simply takes honesty on your part—not his (so don’t ask). Look into his eyes. Pay attention to how he’s paying attention to you. Notice if he’s opening up his world to you. If he’s trying to impress and please you. If he watches you and anticipates your needs. See if he allows you to take your time and is vocal about what he wants. These are the signs of a man “in like.” If you like him, this is good. Be sure to meet him reasonably where he’s at—men like approval, but don’t give the whole kit and caboodle away just yet just because he’s expressing that he likes what’s in the window. Let him stand there for a while and just want and just like. Men say they don’t like it, but every woman knows that leaving a good date before he’s ready to go will always get you a call the next day.
2. Take notice of the situation: Are you being a bug-a-boo? Are you wide open? Do you call every day? Send texts? Sit in his row at church? Stop by his job? E-mail his mother? To be clear, you’re doing too much. Know that he will like this in the beginning. He will think it’s cute. Men love attention and good stories. So, he’ll seem equally spellbound and even return your late-night calls, but it will get played out quick and you will be left wondering where the love went. If this is you, take notice and take a break—an unannounced break.
3. Take your time: Don’t give it all away at once. Slow down and assess and reassess the situation. Accept that everyone you date or want to date doesn’t need to know you—not the whole you. Accept that you shouldn’t share your body, your home, your children, or your life story with just anyone. Keep it light and funny in the beginning. The best relationships take time. There’s no reason to rush to love’s altar.
????? Note: Stop making romance where there’s no romance. You can’t trick him into being your man by treating him to a bunch of freebies and letting him lay up in your house. He will eat and he will lay. But he will also get up and go home when he’s done.
4. Take care of you: Continue to focus on your needs and ensure that while you’re dating, that’s NOT ALL you’re doing. Don’t put all of your stock into getting a man and getting married and getting a house, and then a baby, and then a dog. Other areas of your life need attention, and focusing on them will make you more attractive because you won’t be sitting by the phone or always available. You’ll be too busy being busy. Focus on your mind, body, and soul. Build relationships with friends and family. Reconnect with your children. Reconnect with yourself. And your God.
5. Let it go or take the leap: If you realize that he’s not taking charge or he’s just not that excited about you, let it go and move on. Don’t ask questions or try to figure it out. Don’t accept excuses for missed calls or dates. Don’t sleep with him, thinking things will change. Just move on. The diet worked and you figured out that he’s not that interested. But if he is, you can—take the leap into love…sweet love. You’ve found a man worth your time and saw that he kind of liked you too. But instead of jumping all in and giving him “the best that you’ve got,” you took your time and eased up on him! You’ve been taking care of yourself. You’ve been making it clear that you have standards and set limitations as to how far he could get with you without actually getting with you. And guess what—he liked it. And, therefore, he now likes you….
Floors are hard. Not just a little hard. Really hard. Especially after three hours of sitting in silence, your bottom so confused by your position it gives in and moves over to your hips, leaving nothing but posterior bone and floorboards connected.
Tamia hadn’t felt this kind of pain in her bottom since she’d pledged her sorority over ten years ago. But even then, sitting on the floor for so long wasn’t as bad, as her bottom was much more firm and unable to wiggle off to the side.
It was meditation time again.
Only now Baba wasn’t wearing his white cloth and there was no gong. Just three women, Baba, and his books sat in the middle of the floor at the Freedom Project breathing each other’s air as they “began this long journey together,” which was what Baba said. “The journey begins with a single step,” Baba said in the middle of a list of proverbs. “And this one we take together—one with the other. We must hear each other’s hearts beating.”
Fatimah and Tanya were the women flanking her sides. Over the days they’d been spending together, preparing for their journey with Baba, Tamia had learned that Fatimah was a school-teacher from Brooklyn. She’d started taking Swahili at the center a few weeks earlier and just like Tamia, she met Baba and her life was forever changed. While doing community service in an elder’s organic garden, they laughed about how Baba spoke in constant riddles and that most of the time they were so busy trying to understand his new point, they were forgetting his last point. Tanya was the daughter of one of the men who rented the building to Malik. One day when she was collecting rent, she’d decided to sit in on one of Baba’s classes. She was back the next day, and the day after that. It was like she had to have something in the building. And she was trying to figure out what it was.