“What is this?” Tasha grabbed Toni’s chin and turned her face to her, but the girl wouldn’t look at her. Tasha’s heart sank.
“She’s just—” Tamia started, but she didn’t know what else to say. There was this anger, this raw anger in Toni’s face.
“You hate me, don’t you?” Tasha said to Toni. “You always have.” She began to cry and think about Porsche, how much she’d hated her when she was so young, so angry at her mother abandoning her in the same way Tasha had done to Toni. “Oh, my God!” Tasha cried just thinking about what she’d done. How she’d left her family. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I’ve been such an awful mother to you,” she said to Toni. “But I never had a moth…” Her voice cracked and she knew if she finished her sentence a rage would grow so strong inside of her, she might never recover. “I’m trying my best…No, that’s a lie. I could do better. And I’m gonna do better. For you.”
Toni finally broke her grimace and looked at her mother.
“I’m so sorry,” Tasha said to her again. “You can trust me. I’m not gonna let you down again. I promise. I promise.”
Toni’s little hands loosened from Tamia’s neck and this time, when Tasha tried to hold her, she went to her.
?
Far away from her birth father, there was nothing more sweet to Tamia than seeing her spiritual father’s face. She was upset with Malik and had vowed to keep their relationship on a professional level until his case was over. Then she wouldn’t have any contact with him. After getting over her initial anger about what happened at his place, she decided that she would continue her journey with her new sisters at the Freedom Project. And when Baba called, asking to meet her for a chat in the park, she was honored and happy he’d reached out to her.
She couldn’t lie to her sisters about the reason for distancing herself from the circle for a while and she was certain Baba had been given the information. Even though she agreed to meet him, she promised herself she wouldn’t share any words about Malik. That was her professional life and she had to keep it that way. However, after discussing the mating patterns of birds and how the clouds were much thicker this spring than they had been last spring—and on that very day (what a memory)—he made it clear that he had no intention of honoring this desire.
“You cannot hide from the truth. You know this, child,” he said in his way. “Just the same as the clouds know they belong in the sky and the birds know they belong in the trees, you know your heart belongs to—”
“Me,” Tamia said. “My heart belongs to me.”
“That is the lonely way.”
“Well, until I can find someone who respects me and respects my heart, it will be the only way.”
“You are very wise,” Baba said, waving at a baby who had seen his long beard and smiled. “It is in your eyes. One day you will lead a man to enlightenment.”
“Thank you, Baba,” Tamia said. She hadn’t heard him say that to anyone else.
“But until you can help them, you’ve got to accept your own enlightenment.”
“What do you mean?”
“What is the symbol of return? Of knowing your past? Your essence?”
“The bird,” Tamia answered. “Sankofa.”
“Is that the only symbol? The only one?”
“I—”
“The other is what Europeans call the symbol of the heart,” Baba revealed. “The Adinkra. The heart and the bird. Child, you must know that your past, who you are inside, is love. There is no past without love. And without the past, there is no—”
“Me,” Tamia confirmed.
“Wise,” Baba said. “Without love, the Afrikaan is a bird without wings, the cloud with no sky. There is no reason.”
“But, Baba,” Tamia said respectfully, “please forgive me for asking, but please explain what love has to do with Malik and I?”
“In your past, you became upset when you saw something?” he asked, but it was more of a statement for Tamia to confirm.
“Yes.”
“Why would you be upset, child, if you are not in love? Why would you care?”
“I…wasn’t…”
“That is not for me to hear. It is for you to understand.”