Playing Hard To Get

“Jesus,” his body called without a known word, “I need you right now. I need a sign. You never led me astray. You never, ever left me. Just whisper in my ear so I know you’re here. So I know I’m on the right path.”

“Chinese food.” It was a whisper in his ear. But it was too soft, too light to be that of the God he’d heard before. Awakened from his prayer, Kyle jumped and turned to the whisper.

“Oh, I’m sorry! I scared you?” Troy said. “I thought you saw me walk in. You were looking at the ceiling.”

“What?”

“Chinese food. I was telling you I ordered Chinese food,” she said, “from Mr. Stevie Foo. Your favo.”

“But the food…I smell the food,” Kyle said, looking at his wife like she was a Martian, an extraterrestrial, an angel or saint.

“Yeah, it was a ham. A canned ham I tried to jazz up with cumin,” Troy said matter-of-factly. “Did you know spices burn in the oven?”

Kyle couldn’t do anything but nod.

“Anyway, there was no sense saving the thing, so I just ordered your favo,” Troy said. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that we need to talk.”

?

Venus Jenkins-Hottentoten-Hoverslagen-Jackson, a black woman with the most ridiculous last name of any woman in the city on account of two failed marriages to Swedish bankers and one mediocre yet standing marriage to a Knicks starting player, was coming out of the closet. A great big old, Queen Elizabeth–Mariah Carey–sized closet. A 5,000-square-foot closet.

“I can’t believe Lynn’s your lover,” Tasha said after she’d finally convinced Venus that she had no desire to be with Lynn and hadn’t done anything at the hotel but pass out in an accidental drug-induced kirk at the party.

“We’ve been together for five years,” Venus said sadly.

“But you’re married,” Tasha said. “And you’re apparently robbing the cradle. That girl’s only twenty-four. What, were you dating her when she was in college?”

“Yes,” Venus admitted. “I paid for her to go to college—well, my ex-husband did.”

“Oh, my God, I was joking.” Tasha fanned herself. “This is freaky. This is too freaky for me. And I’m a freak. But not this kind of freak.”

Venus crumbled onto the table and started to cry.

“Oh, no.” Tasha looked around at the completely strange faces around her. Luckily she didn’t notice any of them. “Girl, if you don’t get up off of the table…You know they have roaches here!”

Venus sat up but she was still crying and sniffling.

“Oh, why do I know I’m going to regret this?” Tasha said. “What happened?”

“I love her. I really do,” Venus cried. “She doesn’t understand that. She’s always sleeping with other women and out in the street. She doesn’t even respect me. I saw her dancing with those football players at the party. And when I saw her talking to you, I knew she was just trying to sleep with you.”

“That tag-tucking31 hussy!” Tasha said and Venus began to wail again.

“Oh, stop it!” Tasha said. “How are you over here complaining about this girl cheating on you when you’re clearly married and cheating on your husband?”

“We’re both with her.”

“

With her?”

“Any man I marry knows Lynn is a part of my life and theirs too,” Venus explained.

“A part like what? Y’all get together…like, everybody…and get the freak on?”

“It’s more than that,” Venus said tearfully. “She’s my angel.”

“Well, she wasn’t an angel the other night. She was a pill-popping devil girl.”