Take Her Man

1 tbsp. horseradish

1½ ounces of vodka

¾ oz. Tabasco sauce

1 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce

1 oz. lemon juice

1 tsp. freshly ground pepper

¼ tsp. celery salt

Garnish:

1 sliced lime

celery sticks

celery salt

Directions:

Combine ingredients in a blender and mix. Pour over ice into a tall glass rimmed with celery salt. Garnish with a celery stick and twist a lime slice over the glass edge.

*If you like it very spicy, add 1/8 tsp. of ground red pepper.

One Confused Man and One Confused Womb-Man

The ride home from dinner was eerily quiet. What my mother said to Tasha must’ve really affected her. So far, she’d successfully avoided all conversations about Porsche. Though people in the industry knew exactly whose daughter Tasha was when she stood in the stands at Lionel’s games and photographers often put snapshots of Lionel and Tasha next to Porsche’s in magazines, no one ever confronted her about her estrangement from the soap star. Even the producers of MTV Cribs, who’d done a special on Lionel and Tasha’s New Jersey home, didn’t mention it when they aired the show. Everyone gave Tasha her space, but Mary Elizabeth just wasn’t that kind of person.

She’d let Tasha off easy, but she hadn’t stopped before saying, “You can’t bring another life into this world until you’ve made amends with the life you already have.” Tasha immediately shot a look across the table at me as if I’d revealed her secret, but I hadn’t told my mother anything about the baby. Mary Elizabeth was just talking. But that was the amazing thing about mothers. They always knew just what to say to either piss you off or put you right back on track.

“I had a great time tonight,” Tasha said solemnly as she got out of the car at my apartment.

“You don’t have to lie. She gets on my damn nerves, too.”

“No, really. I did. Your mother is something.” Tasha kissed me on the cheek. “I’m going to head home now,” she said. “I have to talk to my husband.”

I smiled at my friend as she walked away. She seemed to have grown in some way since she’d arrived at my apartment that morning all nervous about her appointment. Earlier her pink dress had made her seem like a little girl, but with the sun setting behind us, the fabric appeared a soft crimson and Tasha seemed to be walking stronger and taller.

The elevator was broken, so I had to trudge up ten flights of stairs to reach my floor—a common tragedy in New York apartment buildings. I was about to faint when I reached the top step. Sweat was pouring all over me and I could feel my hair frizzing up. It was time to call Piero again. “Guess I won’t need to do my thirty on the StairMaster tonight,” I said, opening the door to my floor.

I looked down the hallway toward my apartment and saw Julian standing in front of the door. I had to catch my breath. What the hell is he doing here? I looked a complete stir-fry mess after climbing the stairs. I wanted to turn around and go back downstairs.

“Troy,” he called down the hall just as I was about to pull out my compact to get a quick look at myself. “What are you doing, taking the stairs?”

“Broken,” I said, out of breath. “You didn’t see that the elevator’s broken?”

“I guess it broke while I was up here. I’ve been standing here for, like, thirty minutes.”

“Yeah, I’m thinking about getting a chair out here for all of my unexpected company,” I said sarcastically. “Been having a lot of surprise guests lately.”

“Well, I’ve come with treats.” He dangled a brown shopping bag in front of me.

“Treats?”

“Yeah, I was at the store and I saw these organic doggie treats Pookie likes, so I picked them up.”