‘But—’
‘What?’ He stared into her confused blue eyes.
‘You could have anyone.’
‘I don’t want anyone, I want you. And at first, when you were so hostile, I felt relief, because it takes two. And you transparently didn’t want to know. But I couldn’t let it alone—I couldn’t let you alone. I told myself it was just a sexual thing.’ His voice gentled. ‘But I’ve felt those before and this was different. I knew that, but I didn’t want to believe it.’
‘But why?’ She couldn’t let herself believe it. ‘Why me?’
‘I don’t know. Who can explain what causes one person to fall in love with another? I only know I’ve never felt this way before and while it scares the hell out of me, I don’t want to feel any different. I love you, Rachel.’
She stared at him, longing to reach out and touch him, longing for him to kiss her again but terrified that the bubble was going to burst. After all he’d said, could this be real?
‘Anyone looking at me would say I have it all,’ he continued without false pride. ‘Wealth, success, power and a lifestyle where I call all the shots. But I’ve made a king-size mess of my life and I know it. When I held my son in my arms…’ He paused, and now she did reach out, her touch tentative. ‘I knew I’d failed him. He was perfect, beautiful and he should have had a life, he should have breathed and laughed and grown up to be a man one day. But I’d been feeling trapped, resenting that I was suddenly thrust into being a husband and father. I hadn’t really wanted him until that moment and then it was too late.’
‘What happened wasn’t your fault, Zac.’ She was horrified by the depth of pain in his face. ‘It wasn’t you who caused it.’
‘It felt like it.’ He shook his head. ‘And there was Moira so sick…I would have done anything to make it right for her, to atone for how I’d felt and our son’s death.’
And when that had gone wrong too, he had turned himself into an island, an autonomous being, choosing women of like mind who were content with the superficial. ‘Oh, Zac.’
‘I told you.’ He forced a smile that wasn’t a smile at all. ‘My life’s a mess. I’m a mess, deep inside. But I do love you, Rachel. Believe that if nothing else. Over the last couple of weeks that one truth has kept me going.’
She wanted to believe he really loved her, more than anything, but could someone like her ever be enough for someone like him? All her self-doubt and insecurities rose in an overwhelming flood. Shakily, to gain time to bring her chaotic thoughts into order, she murmured, ‘Jennie? She knew you’d be here today?’
‘Not until this afternoon. I turned up on my aunt’s doorstep, knowing you’d said you were spending Christmas with Jennie this year, and threw myself on her mercy. I told her everything, what a fool I’d been and that I loved you, and she suggested I talk to Jennie before she let me stay. She didn’t want you upset.’ He smiled ruefully. ‘Jennie’s parents think the world of you, you know. They said you’re like one of their own daughters.’
She hadn’t known.
‘And so I phoned Jennie on her mobile. Apparently the two of you were in a pub, having just had lunch. We talked—at length—and I finally managed to convince her that I was on the level. She ripped a strip off me, I can tell you. A lioness with one cub couldn’t have been more fiercely protective.’
Dazedly, she said, ‘She didn’t say.’
‘No, well, she wanted to have a word with me in the flesh before she let me see you. It was along the lines of “You treat her OK or else you’ll have me and the rest of the clan to answer to”.’ He shook his head. ‘Formidable lady, my cousin.’
Rachel looked at her hand on his arm, her head spinning.
‘You can trust me, Rachel,’ he said softly. ‘I don’t expect you to believe that straight away, not after I’ve messed up so badly, but let me show you bit by bit. I’ve told my parents all about you and they want to meet you when you’re ready, but there’s no rush. I’m staying over here for as long as it takes to gain your trust; I’ve spent the last week or so putting things in place back home. I haven’t taken a proper holiday since goodness knows when so my father agreed he owes me.’
He’d taken her hands in his but she still kept her eyes downcast, fighting with herself, fighting with everything inside her to believe he meant what he was saying. ‘Canada’s your home,’ she managed at last.
‘And a beautiful one, you’d love it. But if you want us to live here, that’s OK too.’
‘Your job, the family firm…’
‘My father’s able to run the business with a good manager and he’s more realistic than my grandfather was. He knows nothing lasts for ever. It wouldn’t break his heart to sell the business one day. And when I was over here at the beginning of December a couple of guys I spoke to put feelers out to see if I was interested in a job, so…’ he shrugged ‘…anything’s possible if, if you want me.’
If she wanted him? He was holding her hands entwined against his chest and she could feel the steady thump, thump of his heart, smell the clean, sharp scent of his aftershave. She swallowed, gathering all her courage as she met his eyes. ‘I couldn’t bear it if we got together and one day you fell out of love with me,’ she said with simple truth. ‘I’d rather have nothing at all than risk that. There’s so many lovely women…’
Her face was naked with fear and he gathered her closer, kissing her tenderly. ‘I’m a far from perfect male, as I’m sure you’ve worked out,’ he said when his mouth left hers. ‘The first part of my life I’ve made a mess of, and when heaven showed itself I turned tail and ran like a jackrabbit because I hadn’t the guts to face up to what was in front of me. Not exactly the greatest confidence-inspiring résumé, I know. But one thing I can promise you is that I’ll love you more than life itself until the day I die. I’ve known lots of other women, Rachel, but none of them have ever touched my heart. To me you’re utterly special, adorable, beautiful, unforgettable, and I’ll prove it to you for the rest of my life if you’ll let me.’
Her senses reeled as she drowned in the gold of his eyes. She could never love anyone like she loved Zac. This was real, this was for ever, and she had to reach out and trust what she was reading in his face. It was all there, the love, the longing and the wonder of it unlocked her voice. ‘I love you,’ she whispered, shyly almost, ‘so much.’
His mouth took hers and, careless of where they were, he kissed her with rising passion, his hands moving over her body as he touched her with hungry, intimate caresses.
‘I love you, my darling,’ he murmured against her mouth, ‘and I know I ought to wait, to give you time to get used to this, but I can’t. Will you marry me, Rachel? Will you be my wife, my love, my life?’
He brought a little velvet box out of his pocket and when he clicked it open she saw an exquisite diamond cluster engagement ring nestling in a bed of satin.