‘I’m not,’ she cut him off quickly.
‘Of course, what I’d like to begin the day is the feel of your body beneath mine,’ he continued as though she hadn’t spoken, his voice slow and deep. ‘Naked, silky, warm. I’d like to look at you, kiss you all over, feel you shudder and sigh and breathe my name as I make love to you. I’d like to touch and caress you and bring you to fever-pitch, make your flesh quiver and tremble. Remember how it used to be, Miriam? You used to make me as hard as a rock when you quivered beneath my tongue and hands.’
‘Don’t.’ It was a whisper.
‘And when we’d sated each other’s needs we’d lie joined together and kiss and talk until we did it all over again,’ he went on relentlessly. ‘Because we weren’t just sexual partners, Miriam. We were one. Joined in every way. Until you came into my life I had slept with women, never loved them. There’s a difference.’
She wanted to tell him to stop, that he was being unfair, but she couldn’t utter a sound. In Jay’s eyes there was no mockery, no teasing, only a deep, unnerving tenderness. And against such she had no defence.
He moved away slightly but still kept his hand against the side of her face, his fingers playing with the soft, silky fall of her hair as though he couldn’t quite break contact with her. ‘Are you beginning to search yourself?’ he asked quietly, his eyes still on her face. ‘Or are you still hiding from the past?’
‘I—I don’t know what you mean.’ She couldn’t do this. Not here, not now.
He observed her in silence, waiting. After a long few moments he sighed. ‘I love you. I’ve always loved you. And loving you means being faithful in my book. When I took my vows it wasn’t on a whim, Miriam. We weren’t two young kids. I knew from the first date that you weren’t the sort of woman to just have fun with for a while, that it would be all or nothing. And I chose all.’
Her throat was locked and she was incapable of speaking. She met his gaze in numb despair. She wanted to believe him. If it was just a matter of wanting she would throw herself into his arms and tell him exactly what he wanted to hear. But it would be a lie.
His lips caressed hers. After a moment he said softly, ‘I don’t know what else to say.’
Her eyes filled with tears. ‘I—I don’t want you to say anything.’
The sky had clouded over in the last hour and now the first drops of sleety rai
n splattered against the windscreen. She felt cold. Inside and out, she felt cold. Helplessly she clenched her hands into fists. ‘It would have been better for both of us if we hadn’t seen each other again,’ she whispered miserably. ‘This is just dragging out the inevitable.’
‘The only inevitable I’m prepared to consider is you in my arms where you belong, and this time for good.’ He drew back into his seat, starting the engine. ‘And however painful the process for us to get there, so be it.’
For a fleeting moment she wondered what it must be like to be so completely sure of yourself. She had never been that way, ever. ‘And if we don’t? Get there, I mean.’
‘We will,’ Jay said with infuriating calmness as the windscreen wipers battled with lumps of ice and he drew away from the house. ‘You’re mine and I don’t let go of what’s mine.’
Suddenly Miriam was angry. ‘Like your car or the business or the apartment, you mean?’
A muscle twitched in Jay’s jaw. ‘I’m not going to grace that question with an answer.’
‘Because the truth might incriminate you?’ she retorted.
‘Because it’s not worthy of a reply.’
Miriam opened her mouth to argue further but something in the set of Jay’s hard face warned her she’d pushed him as far as she could. He looked like thunder, she thought shakily. She didn’t think she had ever seen him quite so furious.
It was a full ten minutes later, a ten minutes fraught with electricity, before she said in a small voice, ‘Where are we going?’
‘We’re having a culture day.’ He glanced at her briefly. ‘The National Gallery opens at noon and after that we’ll take a late lunch. There’s a craft gallery that stays open late on a Sunday I’d like you to see, and we’re eating Italian tonight. OK?’
Nothing was OK. He must know that. Her silence was an unspoken answer.
‘I can’t recall you being so grumpy in the past,’ Jay observed mildly. ‘You used to laugh all the time.’
‘I’ve changed,’ she said flatly. Adultery had a way of taking all the amusement out of life.
‘No, I don’t think so. You just need to chill out, relax.’
He was something else, he really was! ‘I chill out often,’ Miriam said, trying hard to keep the outrage out of her voice. ‘And walking about with a gormless smile plastered on my face has never been my style actually.’
‘You couldn’t look gormless if you tried.’
His smile was singularly sweet and swept away her resentment in a moment of time. Telling herself she was being subjected to the Carter charm, she managed to keep her voice cool and even when she said, ‘Thank you. I’m afraid we might have to skip dinner tonight, Jay. I’ve things to do before work in the morning.’