When forced to confront my feelings, I was exhausted, and I'd be exhausted no matter how much coffee I would drink.
"You're brothers, and you're very close to one another no matter how the two of you act. I'm going to be seeing the one I don't choose often because of that. A constant, heart wrenching reminder of what I can't have, and I don't think I'd be able to take that."
With another deep breath, I rose.
"If I can't choose both, then my second choice is going to be neither."
I started walking toward the front door of the mansion.
"Christine, wait!" Carson called out.
"Look what you did, asshole," Darren replied.
"What I did? It's your fault!"
As I exited the building and I was sure the door was closed behind me, I started to cry.
A few weeks passed, and I barely even noticed. They consisted of moping around my room, feeling sorry for myself, and hating myself for blowing it.
The pregnancy test sitting on my desk had a positive reading. Apparently they had zeroed in on me at my most fertile. My mission was accomplished. I'd be set for life, even if I needed a paternity test to be so. I cringed, realizing that they would still get to play their stupid game and beat their chest that their sperm won or whatever it was they saw in it.
Not like it mattered. Apparently the Van Hansen family was going to be just fine. A mysterious donor infused our estate with more funds than we ever had before. I didn't think about the mystery too much, since both Karen and Olivia had brand new boyfriends who adored them and were worth far more than my father could ever dream of being. Our family was going to be just fine, I was going to be just fine even if I didn't want to go the route of hitting Carson and Darren up for money for the next eighteen years.
So everything I had enjoyed had been for nothing.
The pain I was feeling? Also for nothing. Was it even all worth it? The sting in my heart told me no.
Still, I pulled myself up to my feet, determined to do the one thing that would take my mind off of heartbreak. Studying. It was seven in the evening, but the college's library stayed open into the wee hours of the morning. I could bury my nose in some books for brief relief.
I took off walking, trying to keep my mind blank. Even if the library was open into the twilight hours, it didn't mean that it was packed to capacity for all of that time. It was sparsely populated. I had my favorite spot inside of it, a little private cubby where no one could bother me. It was at the far end of the hall, past the conference rooms.
Grabbing my book, I began my journey. Only I wasn't making it alone. "Christine, long time no see, beautiful."
I froze. It was Darren. Of course, he was a student here too, if a ludicrously wealthy one.
"You're the last person I want to see right now."
"Oh come on, babe, don't be like that."
"Am I the second to last?" Carson's voice perked up as he stepped beside me. "Do I win via you speaking a cliche?"
"This is why you both need to fuck off. I don't want to be part of your stupid contests anymore."
I kept walking past them, trying to drive my point home. Them being here was going to make forgetting they existed a pain in the ass.
Carson ran ahead of me. They weren't going to give up easily were they? He opened a door. I was about to turn around and head somewhere else, but Darren took me by the shoulders and showed me that all the muscles he had were hardly just for show.
Even with his strength, he was trying to avoid hurting me as he guided me into a conference room, and Carson came in, closing the door behind him.
"I don't want to deal with you two anymore. Why can't you get that?" I said, closing my eyes, wishing a three-year-old's logic were true and that would make them disappear. "I'm not going to choose between you. That's that."
"Christine, what if we told you," Carson began.
"That you can have us both," Darren finished.
Opening my eyes, I saw that they were both in front of me. Close, I could feel each of their body heats. Each of them took one of my hands.
"I don't understand," I said.