This…this had nothing to do with going through the motions. Had nothing to do with doing the right thing. It was just…need.
Alex was a man so far removed from the world. Everything in it seemed to move around him. And he seemed to exist in it untouched.
She wanted to touch him. Not just his skin, but beneath it. She wanted to reach him down deep where his heart beat. Wanted to heat him from the inside out, warm his blood, his soul.
Mostly, she just wanted everything he had promised her back in the library. When they parted, the wound would linger. No matter what happened now. If he was going to leave a scar, she wanted it to be such a scar. So deep, so affecting, it would never heal.
She inched toward him, reaching out and placing her hand over his cheek, mirroring his action.
“Gabriella,” he said, his voice a growl, warning.
She didn’t listen to it.
She leaned forward, claiming his mouth with hers, kissing him as though she had a right to do it. As though she knew how.
She knew that he would recognize her limited technique, because she had learned it from him. It was all she knew. So when she traced the seam of his lips with her tongue, she was keenly aware of the fact that she was plagiarizing his earlier kiss. But if he was aware of it, he didn’t show it. He was still beneath her touch, completely motionless. But he hadn’t pushed her away.
They parted, her hand still resting on his cheek. She could hear ragged breathing filling the space between them, but couldn’t tell if it was his or hers. Both.
“Gabriella,” he said again, “you have no idea what you’re asking for. No idea what you’re doing.”
She pressed her forehead to his, the tips of their noses touching. “I want to make love. I know what that is, Alex. Sex. I’ve never wanted it before. Not in a specific sense. But I do now.”
“I can’t offer you anything. I won’t make you any promises, because I will only break them.”
“Maybe.”
“Certainly.”
“Well, tomorrow the sky could fall, or I could get hit by a bus—”
“It won’t, and you won’t.”
“You don’t know that. We don’t know anything beyond right now. I saw my grandmother’s face. I know there was a lot that she regretted. But I don’t think she ever regretted being with Bartolo.” She knew that these words were tantamount to admitting that she felt more for him than simple attraction, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.
“I am the worst of sinners. I condemned my half brother to a life lived outside of the family. It was me who stood in his way. Made him feel like he could never be close to us. He told me that tonight. It is on me, Gabriella.”
“Alex—”
“I carry the blood of my father. Weak selfishness that I’ve worked a very long time to overcome. So believe me when I tell you I will regret nothing of what happened here tonight. My nobility is nothing mo
re than a construct. There is no conviction behind it. But you, Gabriella, you, I fear will regret this.”
“Maybe. Tomorrow. But not now. And the only thing we have for sure is now.”
A feral sound rumbled low in his chest and he shifted positions so that he was over her, his arms braced on either side of her shoulders.
She locked her leg over the back of his calf, an action designed to hold him prisoner even though she knew it wouldn’t be truly effective. Still, she wanted him to know that she wanted him here. Desperately.
“Alex,” she said, his name a prayer on her lips. She bracketed his face with her hands, looking at him, trying to see what he was thinking, even through the darkness. “Don’t you know how much I want you?”
He tensed, pulling away from her slightly. Her heart hammered hard in her chest, clawing at her like a small beast.
“Alex,” she said his name again, ready to beg him if she needed to.
He flicked on the light. The way it illuminated his face cast the hollows of his cheekbones into darkness, adding a tortured quality to his features.
“If I’m going to sin, then I’m going to do it with my eyes open,” he said. “If I’m going to have you, then I’m going to look at you while I do it.”