That question had been rattling around in his brain for hours, settling like acid in his gut and eating away at his every justification.
And once it had been introduced, he couldn’t shake it. Was he protecting her? Or was he protecting himself? She had been very open about the fact that she had hidden away from the world, choosing to protect herself from further rejection because of the way her parents had treated her. Like an incidental. Like she didn’t matter.
And he had…
Hadn’t he hidden away from the world, too? Behind the facade of being a dragon, of being a soulless monster. Keeping everyone at a distance. Most especially the half brother who had been there that terrible night. Who had been wound around that most painful event.
The thought was enough to take his breath away. To realize that his own actions had been born not of a need to keep control, but out of fear. It ate away at the very foundation of who he believed he was. He thought himself strong. He thought himself in total command.
Now he wondered if he was still a boy, hiding from difficult feelings. Difficult decisions. Concealing the existence of the truth so that he didn’t have to face it. Just as he had done with Nate.
But what life could she have with him? What did he offer to Gabriella? He knew what she did for him. She gave h
im hope. She made him see art, made him see beauty. With her, he experienced softness, hope, in a way that he hadn’t done in his entire life. Yes, he knew exactly what she offered him, and he feared that all he had to offer her was his endless, dark well of neediness. Left open the night his parents died. It held nothing but fear, nothing but anguish, and those things consumed, they didn’t give.
Suddenly, the door to his apartment swung open. He had to wonder for a moment just how much he’d had to drink, because there stood Gabriella, the light from the hallway illuminating her with a golden halo around her dark hair, making her look like an angel standing in the middle of hell. His own personal hell. As though she had come to raise him from perdition.
And he desperately wanted it to be so. dpg
How was it that this young innocent could reduce the jaded playboy like himself to such a needy, desperate thing? How was it that she had reached inside of him and scraped him raw? He should have had all the control here. She should be the one in pain because he had ended things. And he should be able to move on as he had always done. And yet, he couldn’t.
“Gabby,” he said, the word raw and rough as his insides.
“You don’t get to call me that,” she said, sweeping into the room and slamming the door behind her. “Not unless you intend to fix what you did.”
“My list of sins is long, Gabriella. You have to be more specific.”
“The small matter of lying to me and breaking my heart.” She crossed her arms, her proud chin tilted upward, her small frame vibrating with rage. “I understand. It took me a while, because I had to dig beneath my own pain to understand, but I do. You’re afraid. Just like me. And just like me you are protecting yourself.”
Hearing the words from Gabriella’s lips made it even harder for him to deny. He had suspicions about his own behavior, but they were just that—suspicions. Gabriella knew him. And he trusted that. She had an intelligence about emotions, the kind that he could hardly lay claim to.
“But we can’t do that anymore,” she said. “It isn’t worth it. What do we get for it? Years of wishing we were together? We can be what we’re expected to be. We can be safe. No, Alex, I shouldn’t be with you. I’m a princess. And I should be with a man who is at the very least a member of nobility, or failing that, not a complete and total dissolute playboy. You should be with a woman who is sophisticated, who has a tough outer shell and a lot more experience than I have. But that is what we want. We want each other. Because you’re my deep love, Alex. The other half of my amulet. The one that I’ll never forget. You are the hole in my soul, the one that I have carried from the day I was born and I wasn’t even aware that it was there until the moment I met you.”
Her words echoed inside him, rang with truth. It was the same for him. He knew it was the same for him.
“How?” He swallowed hard. “How do we just forget everything else?”
“I figure it’s either that or we forget that we love each other, Alex. And I would so much rather forget my pain. I would so much rather forget my fear. I would rather forget that on paper we don’t make any sense and just remember that I love you. In the end, doesn’t that sound easier?”
His chest seized tight, his breathing becoming labored. “I’m not sure if there’s anything simple about love, Gabriella.”
“Maybe not. Maybe I’m living in a fantasy. But… Oh, Alex, how I would love to live in this fantasy with you. I know you think I’m young and silly—”
“No,” he said. “I don’t think you’re silly. I think you are magically unspoiled by all of the things that have happened to you in your life. I think you are a gift that your parents didn’t deserve, that they didn’t appreciate. I think that you are a gift I don’t deserve.”
“Well, what’s the use in being a gift that no one wants?”
He felt like his chest was going to crack open. “I do want you. I do. But…I am…a thousand years too old for you. A thousand ways too corrupt. Wouldn’t you rather be with a different man?”
“No,” she said, the word so simple, with no hesitation. “No one else made me want to come out of the library. I liked small things. Quiet things. And what I feel for you…it isn’t quiet or small. It’s big and loud and it rings in my ears, in my chest, and it terrifies me. But I want it still. I was so caught up in the fact that the rake could come after the wallflower that I didn’t stop to think how amazing it was that I came out of hiding for you. Alex, the fact that I want you is a miracle in and of itself. I’m not sure you appreciate that.”
He laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “Believe me, I do.”
“Well, so do I. I love you. And I’m sorry if that isn’t sophisticated. I’m sorry if it wasn’t supposed to happen. But it did. And it’s the most amazing, wonderful thing. So much better than hiding away. Please, come with me. Away from the guilt. Because I know you still feel guilty. But you were a boy. You have to forgive yourself.”
He nodded slowly. “I do. Because you’re right, I was a boy. But I’m not a boy now. I’m a man. Still, I was hiding like one. And it has to stop, Gabriella. You are right. I was very dedicated to the idea that I was a monster. Convincing you, to convince myself. Because I’m a very convenient hiding place. That mask was the best thing I had. It kept everyone away. But…I don’t want that anymore. I thought that it made me strong. I convinced myself that I was turning away from the way my parents lived. Cutting myself off from that kind of reckless behavior, keeping myself from poisoning other people in my life. But I wasn’t afraid for others. I was afraid for myself. But you are right. Living without you would be far worse than learning to let go of all this.”
He took a step toward her, cupping the back of her head and gazing down into her dark eyes. “If you will have me, after all the things I said, after everything I have done, both before and since I met you, then I would be very honored if you would… I suppose I can ask you to marry me, can I?”