Part I
Cole
Age eight
There’s freedom in chaos.
When my father used to say that, I didn’t understand it much. Ironically, that piece of information remained in my head, floating around like a fact.
My father is a businessman. There shouldn’t have been any room for chaos in his life, and yet, he thrived on it.
He knew that humans are chaotic by nature and that nature comes before nurture.
That’s what the books say. I didn’t understand them at first, but after the kidnapping, I returned a new person.
One day, I was coming home with my two friends, Aiden and Xander, and suddenly, everything turned black.
Masks were shoved over our heads, and then we were separated. I remember the darkness so well. It’s not only about seeing the colour black. It’s about breathing your own air and thinking you’ll suffocate on it. It’s about freezing until you can’t feel your toes or your face.
The darkness isn’t just a sensation. It’s a phase of being.
That’s what the therapist Mum took me to has been saying.
Were you afraid, son?
Did they hurt you in any way?
Touch you?
I answered no to all. It’s the truth. The kidnappers didn’t do any of that.
They didn’t scare me, hurt me, or touch me. They just left me…alone.
It was a silent type of chaos. You can hear it in your head, but you can’t see it with your eyes or feel it with your skin.
It’s a deep suffocation that slowly but surely takes hold of you.
I didn’t tell the therapist that. He wouldn’t understand.
No one does.
Because no one knows what happened once the kidnappers released me on a deserted road. I didn’t think about removing the bag that was strapped over my head — even though my hands were free.
I didn’t think about my parents or home or my friends.
I didn’t think about asking for help, even though that’s the most normal thing anyone would do.
I did none of that.