She’s moving off. I try to say no, but I can’t speak. I can’t break away from the scene building in my mind. This was their space, where they worked and lived together every day. Did they share a pot of coffee, a bottle of wine, between desks? Did they laugh, joke, design together just there?
I sense her pause.
‘Cain? Are you okay?’
She comes up alongside me, her eyes following the direction of mine.
She takes a small breath. ‘I haven’t had the heart to change it. It’s exactly how he left it.’
And there it is. The confirmation of how much she loved him, of how much she’s lost—hell, how much I’ve lost. My only brother.
My insides feel as if they’re being crushed, my lungs are incapable of drawing breath—and then I feel it: the burn behind my eyes, the need to cry. Again.
I can’t stand here any longer. I need to go. I need to get air and empty my head. My heart. The lot.
‘Cain?’
Her hand is on my arm, soft and warm even through my shirt and jacket, and still I can’t speak. I shake my head and walk away.
‘Cain...?’
I force down the lump in my throat just enough to say, ‘I’ll meet you outside.’
‘Cain!’
She calls after me, but I can’t stop... I won’t.
I race down the stairs. Floor after floor. My breath comes faster and faster and I fight the urge to run back up the whole lot, to seek the burn that will take this pain away.
Idiot. You should’ve known you were walking into their space and yet you went in, pumped up on your dick. You absolute heartless fuckwit. You deserve the pain, the grief—
I break out onto the pavement and heave in air, heave until my pulse calms...
No, not heartless. I loved her first. She was mine first. I—
‘Sir?’
I focus through the haze to see Chris, my driver, a few strides away, his frown telling me I’m far from composed. Far enough that I’m worrying him.
And I never worry my employees. I never warrant concern. I’m a man who prides himself for his control—the control I lacked when I ran away seven years ago rather than face up to my emotions.
I’ve been back two weeks and I’m losing it more and more with each passing day.
I nod at him. ‘We’ll be along shortly.’
‘Very well, sir.’ He moves back to the driver’s door, respectfully giving me the space I haven’t asked for but so obviously need, and my head starts to clear. The apartment evaporates, the desk, his desk...
Breathe...
It took me by surprise, I try and reason. The sudden swing from desire to grief. It would make anyone weak.
But to feel someone’s presence and know they’re not there and can never be again... To know Lexi passes that space day in, day out.
Her husband. My brother. Gone.
Stop it, Cain. You haven’t time for this now. You have a company to save. For Liam. For Dad.
I rake my hands through my hair, stare up at the stars and swear I’ll do right by them. I’ll see their company back to full strength. To hell with my own hurt and the part they played in it.