‘We scattered her ashes.’
‘At Howth Head?’
She nods against me. Of course they did. It’s where Dad is now. Liam too.
‘You should have told me.’
I can’t keep the anger, the hurt, from vibrating through my voice, but I can’t release her either.
‘I know. But reliving the pain of her death, reliving it and having to tell you, having you suffer too... To what end? It doesn’t change the fact she’s gone.’
‘You stayed married, though. You and Liam. Even after...’
‘I needed his strength more than ever. I couldn’t have you, so I had the next best thing.’
‘He was second fiddle.’ Not me.
‘Don’t say that.’
I see red. I thrust her away from me and stare down into her anguished face, wet with tears. I see her hair clinging to her cheeks and my heart shatters inside me.
‘I thought I was second fiddle, Lexi. For years I hated my brother for taking everything that was mine, for taking you... I hated him, Lexi, and it was all a lie. It was your lie.’
She grips her stomach and that breaks me even more. She drops to her knees on the floor, her body rocking back and forth. ‘I know. I know. I know.’
‘How could you do that to me?’ I force it out, making myself ignore her harrowed state. ‘How could you let me believe you loved him? How could you give birth to my child without me there? How could you rob me of the chance to say goodbye?’
I retch and cover my mouth in horror. I need to leave. I need air. Space. I need to be anywhere but here.
She says nothing, only rocks, and I’m done. I can’t stay here and witness this. I can’t stay here and come to terms with it all.
I run. Just like I did after watching them on the registry office steps all those years ago.
Only this time I have the facts, and the reality is far more crushing than the fabricated world I’ve spent the last seven years believing in.
Half an hour ago I’d believed there was nothing to come between us and the future I so desperately wanted.
But nothing had prepared me for this. Nothing.
I think of my mother, think of her easy acceptance of their marriage, and I know that she must have known the truth. They all did. All except me.
The outsider.
And now I have nowhere to go. I can’t go to Mum. I can’t go back to Lexi.
I walk and walk, until I can’t walk any more, and then the lights of a bar lure me in.
A drink. Something to numb the pain...
Then maybe I can start to make sense of this mess...of my whole goddamned life.
CHAPTER TWELVE
I DON’T KNOW how long I stay on the floor after Cain leaves. I only know that the water in the kettle is stone-cold when I go to pour it and the sounds of the people on the street, in the flats below me and next to me, have tapered off. It’s just me and the flat, which feels far too big and empty now that Cain has gone.
Oh, God, what have I done?
I grip the kettle tighter as I place it back on its rest and switch it on.