“Anything she can do, let her know,” Neil finished with me in unison. It was one of the top five things people had been saying to us, over and over. We’d made expressions of sympathy into a grim little game to amuse ourselves.
“Right. That, exactly.”
“That is thoughtful of her,” he said, going quiet.
Even though I felt like a total selfish asshole for mentioning it, I said, “She wanted to get together for lunch. Just to catch up.”
He let out a long breath. “Oh, Sophie. I’m not sure if I’m ready to socialize. It’s one thing for Rudy to come over—”
“No, no, I totally understand. When Rudy comes over, it’s not really socializing. It’s more like having a visit from family.” I needed a lot of that, myself. Mom didn’t want to intrude while we were still adjusting, but I made plenty of late night trips out to the guesthouse to cry on her shoulder. “But I was just thinking, you know. Maybe one day, when I’m in the city, I might do the lunch thing.”
“Oh,” Neil said, his eyebrows lifting, as though it had never occurred to him that I would go on my own.
“Unless it makes you uncomfortable,” I hurried to add. “I know that, with our history, it might seem like something could happen, but really, I think she just wants to meet up and have a chat to reconnect.”
“Have I ever given you the impression that I don’t trust you?” He reached behind his head to fluff his pillows. Okay, I was definitely hard up for sex if even his armpit hair was turning me on.
“No, but I just thought you might have thought…” Oh, just say it. You’re on the way there, anyhow. “Because we haven’t had sex in a long time.”
He went very still. It was something I thought of as his frightened-lizard-freeze. He did it when he didn’t want to have a conversation but couldn’t think of a way to get out of it. “Sophie… My daughter just died.”
That was exactly the direction I hadn’t wanted to take. I didn’t want to shame him. I just needed some acknowledgement of what wasn’t happening between us. “I’m not pointing that out to guilt you or anything. I just worried that you had noticed, and that you would think I was angling to have sex with someone else. And I’m not. I just really need to see some grown up friends.”
He relaxed a little at that. “Ah. Well, I had noticed. I just didn’t know how to explain to you…”
“You just don’t have any sex drive, right now?” Did that sound bitter? God, I was horrible. “We’re going through some major stuff. You, especially. But it was such a big part of our relationship that I kind of got worried about you. You don’t even do little double entendres, anymore. A perfect opportunity for a ‘that’s what she said’ came up the other night when Rudy was here, and you didn’t take it.”
“Please don’t think that I don’t care about your needs. I do. You’re my submissive. I know what you need from me, and that I’m responsible for meeting those needs. But, at the moment…I’m sorry, but I simply can’t.” He sounded frustrated and defeated.
“You’re not responsible for meeting my sexual needs. I’m not…” I searched for the right word. “I’m not entitled to you. You’re going through probably the worst thing that is ever going to happen in your entire life—”
He held up his hand. “Please, don’t tempt fate. I couldn’t stand to—” He broke off and covered his eyes with one hand. The gesture might have been because he was tired, but it was more likely that he was crying.
“No, listen, this isn’t a jinxing you thing. I’m trying to say that I know you’re in unimaginable pain. I don’t hold it against you if you’re unable to check out of your mind to fuck me.” I sighed. “I’m not doing this right. All I want to do is have lunch with an acquaintance without you being uncomfortable about it.”
“I’m not uncomfortable with it,” he said, wiping his eyes. He reached for a kleenex on the bedside table. “I’m ashamed that you felt you had to ask me permission to have lunch with a friend. Do you really view me as that broken?”
“Not broken,” I stated emphatically. I’d thought Emma’s death would be the thing that actually did break him, but so far, that hadn’t been the case. “I don’t think anything could ever break you.”
“I appreciate your vote of confidence. But that remains to be seen.” He managed a sad smile. “I love you. Please don’t think that’s changed, even if I’m not expressing it as often lately. You and Olivia are the only… Without you, I couldn’t have made it past th
at first night.”
A twinge of guilt nagged at me. That first night, I’d enabled his alcoholism as a coping mechanism. As far as I was aware, he wasn’t still drinking. We didn’t have anything in the house that I knew of, but he’d hidden bottles in the past. I made a mental note to ask Julia to keep an eye out while she cleaned. She knew the nooks and crannies of this house better than I did.
“I know you love me,” I reassured him. “I don’t think that’s going to change.”
“I feel the same way. That’s why I don’t mind if you go to see Gena,” he reiterated. “And I think it would be good for you. Even if it did…lead to something.”
“Lead to something?” Now, it was my turn to be incredulous. “I think it would be pretty presumptuous to walk into this expecting an invite for sex.”
“You’re the one who brought it up,” he reminded me.
“Only because I was worried you’d think I was having a secret hook up. I don’t actually think it will come up.”
“Oh, of course. You’re just reconnecting because you’re such good friends and you know each other so well,” he teased.
It was good to be teased, because he didn’t do it as much lately. I leaned over and kissed his forehead and told him, “Shut up, you perv.”