Finding Our Way (Finding our Way 1)

“She took a while to recover. I knew she was hurting. We both were, but I was able to compartmentalize. She had nightmares and anxiety attacks all the time. I felt an obligation to help her through her pain. By December of last year, she was in counseling and working through the loss. It had been months, but she wasn’t getting better.”

“I don’t understand, was she your girlfriend?”

“Not in the true sense of the word. But after the surprise pregnancy and the miscarriage, she asked me not to embarrass her further. The loss of her ‘boyfriend’ would be too much. So I played along. I met her a few times a week on campus for lunch, took her to dinner and made sure she had support when she felt depressed. But we never had a relationship outside of that. Finally last February, she made a break through. Her counselor asked me to come to her last session and I agreed. When I showed up it was an ambush.”

“How?”

“She had taken all my kindness and sincerity of the loss as an indication that we were okay—as a couple. Her counselor was surprised to learn I had no feelings towards her. It took several more weeks to get Holli to a good place and then she transferred at the end of the semester. I helped her parents pack her up to move back to Utah and then set about getting my life straight again.”

“Oh my God.”

“Yeah, I never fully dealt with the loss. Guilt and sadness plagued me. I went home for two weeks and used that time to figure out what was killing me inside.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m sure the loss of your unborn child took a toll on you. Then taking care of the mother for almost nine months.”

“You see, that’s what everyone would think. But when I got away from the bullshit of school and the pressure of the weekend drills and Holli, I found the root of my problem. It was the look of the angel coming down the stairs and seeing another woman wrapped around me, carrying my child, that haunted me.”

I suck in a breath and meet most intense stare of my life. Bryce’s expression is blank and dejected.

“I hurt, sweet girl, when I lost my baby. I had feelings of loss, sadness, and emptiness. But that didn’t compare to the way I felt when you looked at me when you met Holli and she indicated she was pregnant. The light in your beautiful green eyes died. The color on you face vanished. The overzealous energy in your body deflated. That loss was the most devastating thing I ever felt. I knew in that moment I was the cause and it killed me. Losing a child you never knew was crushing, but losing you was heart breaking.”

“Holy shit,” is the only thing that comes to mind.

“Yeah. Then you ignoring me, and the bullshit text messages drove me insane. Your stubbornness to stay away, your hiding—everything had me going fucking crazy. I decided to stop the shit tonight.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’ve spent the last few months working my ass off and calling in every favor I have. Starting with tonight. When I didn’t hear from you in the two days, a few friends helped me get to Virginia and then on this flight. Thank God the flight attendants are romantics at heart. The man back there knew I was coming after you as soon as the plane took off.”

“Why did you go to all the trouble, why not wait until I arrived in Aspen to blindside me?”

“I couldn’t wait any longer. And because I’m going to prove to you that I’m the man you cared about and bring that light back to your eyes.”

“Bryce—”

“No, Devon. I just laid my shit out. Can you handle it?”

“Handle what exactly? The fact that you got a woman pregnant and cared for her until she was well through the loss of your child? Or the fact that once again, you proved how awesome you are through your devotion and commitment to do the right thing? What are you looking for?”

“I’m looking for your forgiveness. I’m looking for your happiness, your devotion, your own commitment. I’m looking for my Devon to come back to me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive.”

“Yes, there is, I let you down. I never want to see that look on your face again. It was my undoing. There aren’t enough apologies in the world to make up for ruining your birthday and graduation. But I’m going to try to erase the terrible memory from your mind. You were always the bright star to my sky. Everyone knew it but me until it was too late.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, my parents, your parents, Nate, everyone knew. I was too stupid to see it and when you disappeared from my life, I knew it too. You’re my girl, Devon. You’re meant to be mine.”

“Things have changed, Bryce, I’ve changed.”

“How so?”

“I have a life I love in Virginia. I changed my major; I’m applying to MFA program. I may be young, but I’ve set my dreams differently then a naïve eighteen year old.”

“You weren’t naïve.”

“Following a crazy crush to college with my best friend? Yeah, it’s safe to say I was naïve.”