Finding Our Course (Finding our Way 3)

“Nate and I had a plan: Officer Candidate School after college, serving our country, being the men we wanted to be. Our plan was in sync until I met Holli. She was easy, a simple distraction. I swear, it was only casual. About three months after we met, she became clingy. She had a fit when you and Quinn visited. She knew who you were—not just Nate’s little sister, but she knew who you were to me. What you meant. I blew her off all weekend, and she saw us at the bowling alley that Saturday

night.

“The week of your birthday and graduation, she tried to pin me down on the status of our relationship. I explained there was no relationship. She told me she was late and took a test that morning. She was pregnant. My world stopped. I knew she wasn’t who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but what about the innocent child? He or she never needed to know their mother was a quick lay.”

I wince, and he notices.

“This isn’t a pretty story, Devon. But I’ll always be completely honest with you. Especially about this.”

“Go on.”

“She tricked me. I wanted to talk to my parents alone, but she showed up to our apartment with her bag packed and convinced Nate I invited her home with us. He played along since he couldn’t find me, but when I got there and found her, I was livid. She gave me an ultimatum. Either I introduce her to my parents, or she made a decision about keeping the baby alone. I caved. When she met my parents that night, she played me. She made our relationship seem stable, committed, and then let the pregnancy slip. My mom was shocked. My dad knew right away something was wrong. We talked that night after Mom and Holli went to bed, and he made me understand my obligations were clear. Finishing school, OCS, and being a good father.

“The next morning, my mom asked me if our relationship was serious enough for me to marry Holli, and she walked in. Her reaction was disturbing. She jumped on me and accepted a marriage proposal that never occurred. We had to be at your house in a few hours, and I called Nate to tell him what happened. We knew she was crazy, but Nate didn’t want to ruin anyone’s day. My mom knew I was unhappy but made the effort to keep Holli satisfied. When she saw you coming down the stairs that day, she stiffened and held on to me. I knew it was going to be bad.”

“So you never proposed to her? She wasn’t your fiancée?”

“Never. When we went back to UT, I had a heart to heart with her. Using my parents’ words of wisdom, I explained I would be the best dad in the world, but I didn’t love her and had no plans to marry her. She turned against me for days, threatening to end the pregnancy, and I was a wreck. Once again, I caved and promised to give the relationship a chance. She was a manipulative bitch, but she was carrying my child. I tried, I really did, but nothing ever developed on my end. When she lost the baby, we were at the movies. She started cramping and panting hard. I knew something was wrong, but she ignored it, saying we were on a real date. Finally, I forced her to go to the hospital, where she miscarried. It was devastating. She hung to me, and I let her. Her parents live in Utah, so I took her to Mom and Dad’s to rest for a week.”

“That’s so sad. I’m sorry.” Two tears fall down my face as I think of anyone losing a child.

“She took a while to recover. I knew she was hurting. We both were, but I was able to compartmentalize. She had nightmares and anxiety attacks all the time. I felt an obligation to help her through her pain. By December of last year, she was in counseling and working through the loss. It had been months, but she wasn’t getting better.”

“I don’t understand. Was she your girlfriend?”

“Not in the true sense of the word. But after the surprise pregnancy and the miscarriage, she asked me not to embarrass her further. The loss of her ‘boyfriend’ would be too much, so I played along. I met her a few times a week on campus for lunch, took her to dinner, and made sure she had support when she felt depressed. But we never had a relationship outside of that. Finally, last February, she made a breakthrough. Her counselor asked me to come to her last session, and I agreed. When I showed up, it was an ambush.”

“How?”

“She had taken all my kindness and sincerity of the loss as an indication that we were okay—as a couple. Her counselor was surprised to learn I had no feelings toward her. It took several more weeks to get Holli to a good place, and then she transferred at the end of the semester. I helped her parents pack her up to move back to Utah and then set about getting my life straight again.”

“Oh my God.”

“Yeah, I never fully dealt with the loss. Guilt and sadness plagued me. I went home for two weeks and used that time to figure out what was killing me inside.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m sure the loss of your unborn child took a toll on you. Then taking care of the mother for almost nine months.”

“You see, that’s what everyone would think. But when I got away from the bullshit of school and the pressure of the weekend drills and Holli, I found the root of my problem. It was the look of the angel coming down the stairs and seeing another woman wrapped around me, carrying my child, that haunted me.”

I suck in a breath and meet the most intense stare of my life. Bryce’s expression is blank and dejected.

“I hurt, sweet girl, when I lost my baby. I had feelings of loss, sadness, and emptiness. But that didn’t compare to the way I felt when you looked at me when you met Holli and she indicated she was pregnant. The light in your beautiful green eyes died. The color on you face vanished. The overzealous energy in your body deflated. That loss was the most devastating thing I ever felt. I knew in that moment I was the cause, and it killed me. Losing a child I never knew was crushing, but losing you was heart breaking.”

“Holy shit,” is the only thing that comes to mind.

“Yeah. Then you ignoring me and the bullshit text messages drove me insane. Your stubbornness to stay away, your hiding—everything had me going fucking crazy. I decided to stop the shit tonight.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’ve spent the last few months working my ass off and calling in every favor I have. Starting with tonight. When I didn’t hear from you in the two days, a few friends helped me get to Virginia and then on this flight. Thank God the flight attendants are romantics at heart. The man back there knew I was coming after you as soon as the plane took off.”

“Why did you go to all the trouble? Why not wait until I arrived in Aspen to blindside me?”

“I couldn’t wait any longer. And because I’m going to prove to you that I’m the man you cared about and bring that light back to your eyes.”

“Bryce—”

“No, Devon. I just laid my shit out. Can you handle it?”