I want to punch him. I want to yell. I want to do something, anything: run, feel the burn through my legs, feel my lungs fight for air. I want to push my body to its limits and beyond.
And then I want to cry, wallow, drown in my despair.
I remember when Evan faced his addiction. He was going through withdrawals and begged me to end it for him. At the time, I ached for him. His pain was my pain.
Looking at the man in front of me, the man whose face mirrors my own, I can see he feels my agony. He is on the brink of my defeat. And I can’t do that to my brother. I can’t drag him back down. He is solid now. He has found his footing in life. I won’t take him to hell beside me.
I break eye contact and hang my head. “I guess we better clean up, then.”
Grabbing a rag from the bucket, I roll into the kitchen and start cleaning the countertops. I don’t care if it kills me; I will push through. I will put on a happy face, even as I die inside. Anything to keep my baby brother on the right path.
~Desirae~
The ride was exhausting both physically and emotionally.
Have I completely lost my mind? I mean, I’m leaving everything I know behind to help a complete stranger.
You left everything you knew behind to help Tank. Ride or die, he and the Hellions have your back through everything. They wouldn’t send you somewhere unsafe. You asked for this. You asked for an escape, a new chance at life. They are giving that to you. No cold feet allowed, Desirae Blanche Shythe.
I almost laugh to myself at my inner pep talk. Desirae Blanche Shythe, white desire in French. My parents and their need for a white powder and peace, love, and sunshine; hence, my sister, Suzie Sunshine. If only life could have been the carefree way they desired, maybe Suzy would still be alive.
I can’t play the game of maybe, should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. It doesn’t change a damn thing. It is time to suck it up, buttercup, and face my new reality.
It takes a few minutes after we stop to get me out. I stretch as Tank and Tripp do the same. I had water and snacks, but limited myself to make sure I contained any needs until we stopped. I’m not a classy chick, and I find fancy stuff to be for overindulgent people, but I am still a lady—well, I’m a chick with just enough dignity to get by. As much as I love the guys, I don’t just pee anywhere like a man would.
Oh, to have a penis for a day … The things I would do.
“Whatever you’re thinking can’t be good,” Tank says, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“I’m thinking of how much fun it would be to have a dick for a day.”
Tripp laughs. “Gotta pee, I take it?”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “I’m a chick, and we stopped the car, so of course I have to pee.”
“Let’s get inside, then.”
I take in the fresh air, breathing deeply as the sunlight hits my face. At least I get to be some place warm and not hiding out in the frozen tundra somewhere.
I lift my hand over my eyes to shield them from the sun’s glare. Sunshine … Suzie.
Warmth washes over me, making me feel like my sister is with me. I can do this. I can find a way to make a new life … without her.
I sigh. No, she’s with me.
I touch my thumb to the underside of the ring on my right pinky. Her ring. It was hers, anyway. I found it in my belongings when I was going through everything after the Hellions moved me to the compound.
It is a simple white gold band twisted into the infinity symbol. She had such tiny fingers. It fit her ring finger, but for me, it slides on my pinky.
Infinity. Forever, I will keep her with me.
Tripp and Tank look around. I am surprised when I see Boomer and Shooter climb out of a car parked not far away. Reality hits me again …
I put Tank in danger. Tripp and Tank had to have Boomer and Shooter followed since we are all at risk. Mob guys, drugs, and a kingpin make all of this feel like a bad action movie. This mess keeps getting bigger and bigger, which also makes me wonder if it will ever stop so life can return to some kind of normal.
Glancing around, I see we are parked behind a large building in what appears to be a fenced in parking lot. I can’t stop my eyebrows from shooting to my hairline when I realize there is barbwire on top of the fence. Are we at a prison of some sort?