It is late afternoon, so the sand is packed with men, women, and children playing in the sand, splashing in the water, and laughing. In this moment, I realize I have gone about everything wrong. I have spent my life running from feeling and being connected to anyone new. Being here with Desirae, I don’t want to have a moment without her. Seeing the crowds of people free to feel, it makes me look at her and all she has lost. This is what I want for her: happiness. I just hope I can show her she can find it with me.
We ride along the stretch of road that parallels the beach for another thirty minutes. Having her settle in behind me, her arms wrapped tightly around me, is peaceful. We need no words between us.
I reach down with my left hand and give her thigh a squeeze. I’m not a man of words, but I am one of action. While some of my actions have pushed her away, I hope she can see I fucked up. I don’t plan to again, though. I want her more, and I want to see where this attraction between us can go.
When I feel the pain building more, I make my way back. I wish I didn’t have to cut this ride so short, but my hips are starting to ache.
Frustration builds as she tries to hide from me in our home the minute we get there. Yes, our home. We share the space, and I find I like it that way.
Standing outside the bathroom, I wait for her to emerge, and when the door opens, she is surprised to find me right there and in her space.
“Baby, I’m the master at pretending, so don’t pretend with me. Don’t pretend you don’t feel something. Don’t pretend the ride didn’t mean something. And don’t pretend you’re not trying to shut it all down right now.”
She looks at the ground, but I tip her chin up with my hand.
“I see something I want, and I’ve never been one to hold back. I feel something I’ve never felt before, and I don’t allow myself to give in to the fear of the unknown. Jump, fly, soar, leap, but baby, don’t fucking hold back for one minute, because life is too damn short and damn sure unfair.”
~Desirae~
He makes me feel too much. On the ride, I found myself letting go and allowing myself to be in the moment with him. Part of me craves the challenge he is and the life we could have together. I lived with the Hellions long enough to know that bikers love long and hard and without holding back.
I see the way he looks at me now. He’s hungry, and there is this emotion in his eyes that I don’t even think he could define for himself yet. I want to give in and let myself have this time with him. I want to see where this can go.
Then a part of me feels like it’s not fair to feel anything at all when my sister can no longer feel things. It’s a conundrum I haven’t figured out yet.
What do you do when you lose the person you loved most in the world? Do you force yourself to dredge through each minute, hour, and day, mourning what you have lost and all the things that can never be? Or do you put the pedal to the metal and live life one hundred miles per hour, basically saying “fuck the brakes”?
The man in front of me makes me yearn for the latter.
Breathlessly, I whisper, “You tempt me.”
“Oh, baby, I’m gonna do more than tempt you.”
He tries to kiss me, but I turn my head away at the last moment.
“Wait. That’s the problem!” I tell him breathlessly.
Pulling his head back, he says, “What problem, woman? The only problem I see right now is that we’re fully clothed and not kissing.”
I grab both sides of his neck, stand on my tip-toes to get eye level with him, and lay out the reality of what this could mean. “You do realize that, if we do this, cross that line, we’re still going to have to live together afterward, right?”
A slow grin spreads across his face. “Of course I do. Why would I have a problem with that?”
Is the man short on marbles or something?
“You go through women the way I go through underwear, Ethan! You’re not just going to be able to toss me aside once we’re done having sex!”
His smile slips away, followed by a determined expression. “You’re the first woman I’ve never wanted to toss out of my bed, Des. The first woman who’s ever captured more of my interest besides what’s below my belt. And as far as I’m concerned, you staying here with me after I’ve tasted you just means I get to spend more time getting to know you in every way a man can know a woman.” His hands tighten on my body as he bends his head down until I feel him skim his lips over my cheek, working his way to the shell of my ear. “I’m not exactly good with words, so how about I prove to you that actions speak louder?” he whispers before nibbling my ear. Then his lips crash down on mine.