Hammer (Regulators MC 2)

Tears fill my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I have been through Hell and back, and I will get through this, too. “Then stay at Evan’s place with me.”

He shakes his head and gives a dejected laugh. “I can’t protect you, Desirae. When it mattered the most, I fucking failed. So the best thing I can do for you is to put you someplace with someone I know who can keep you safe since I can’t. Hell, my legs are shaking, and I’m in so much pain now I can barely stand. You deserve better than that. It’s the least I can do until we figure out whatever this thumb drive bullshit is about.”

Right before my eyes, the man I focused on to stay alive is pushing me away instead of holding me close like I dreamed he would. All this time, I fought what was growing between us, and now the tides have turned. It’s Ethan who is fighting us now.

“I love you, Ethan,” I say on a whisper. I know it sounds like a desperate plea to stay, and it is, but it’s exactly what I feel. I pushed him away all of this time, so scared about what would happen if someone I let close to me was taken away again, how badly that would hurt. This doesn’t seem fair.

I might have been forced into his life because of my circumstances, but he forced himself into my heart. Now, to feel like I should beg him to stay … I’m not sure how much more I can take today. Still, I have to give it my all to know I tried.

I grab his face with both of my hands and force him to look me in the eyes. “Please,” I beg. “I love you.”

His eyes bore into my own with an intensity I cannot explain. Fierce but confused? Despondent even? Nothing that looks like I’m getting through to him. The muscle in his jaw ticks as he clenches it. He closes his eyes tightly yet remains silent. It’s then I know without a doubt that I have lost him.

He has shut himself off from me, and I don’t know what is worse: being held captive, wondering if I will make it, or sitting here, knowing this man cares for me but feeling like he is going to walk away.

Chapter

18

~Hammer~

She’s here … in my arms. She is safe.

Doc, the Regulator medic came over to my brother’s place, took Desirae into the bathroom, and gave her an examination while cleaning her up. She has a busted lip and bruises from her head down past her waist, but there is nothing broken and no internal bleeding. Unable to let her out of my sight yet, I stood off to the side of the bathroom doorway and watched as my club brother cleaned her cuts.

The day has been the longest of my life. My body aches, and my head hurts from all the stress. I’m not used to having feelings for someone else. I’m not used to feelings. Not like these, anyway. Sure, I have worried over the years for my mom and Evan, but this … There is no comparison.

As my mind raced with thoughts of what could have happened to her while we waited for word on her location, I imagined my life without her. A piece of me died today, much like the piece of me that died the day my father died. The freedom of my childhood was robbed the moment he passed away. The freedom of real love was robbed the minute she was taken from the safety of my house.

With her secure in my arms, my head resting on top of hers, I nod to my brother.

He quietly moves into his room, and I sigh, knowing what I have to do is going to kill us both.

The thing is, when I had to sit there and wait for the intel, it left me with nothing but time. Idle minds can be a bad thing sometimes. In that moment, when the world stopped spinning, one thing was clear: I couldn’t protect her. She was mine, and I couldn’t keep her safe.

In my world, that is unacceptable.

I kiss her forehead, and she looks up at me. Her face is swollen, turning blue and purple, and her eyes are red, but she doesn’t hide her emotions from me.

Leaning in, I brush my lips against hers. They are soft, and I can’t help running my tongue across their seam. She opens, and the greedy bastard I am takes from her. Our tongues dance, and the familiarity of her body against mine has me wanting more.

I can’t, though.

I keep my eyes closed and my lips held to hers for a moment longer. Then I slowly pull away. Blinking, my eyes meet hers, and I try to let her see what I can’t give in words.