“Wait—what Kayla ended things? Is that why you flew back there Monday?”
I shake my head, shocked by the pain in my chest, my ribs, my gut. “I was wrong for her. It was a bad idea to move out there, anyway. This is for the best.”
Sasha stands and throws her hands out. “So what, you’re not going to fight for her? You quit just like that? Well, damn, I’m glad I didn’t go into business with you if that’s how you approach challenges.”
“Sasha,” Maxim warns.
“Pavel doesn’t quit,” Dima says quietly from his work station. “He’s stubborn as hell.”
“I don’t keep my women against their will, unlike you mudaks,” I snap.
Maxim straightens, probably offended, since he kept his bride prisoner here until he tamed her. So did Ravil.
“There’s a pretty large area between keeping a woman captive and trying to work things out,” Nikolai counters.
I shake my head. “No. It wasn’t a good match to begin with. It’s better this way.”
“Really, dude? Because you both seemed pretty smitten when I saw you two together,” Dima says.
Fresh pain rips through my chest, so sharp I can barely breathe.
“Pavel, give her some time, but don’t give up. She’s mad that you interfered, right?”
I drop my head into my hands. “It’s more than that, Sasha.” The sound of Kayla’s hiccuping voice over the phone replays in my head, and I’m suddenly bone tired. “That’s why I won’t fight for her.” I get up and stalk to the penthouse door to go to my room across the hall. “And don’t interfere,” I warn, turning back and pointing a finger at Sasha.
“You’re an asshole, Pavel,” Sasha calls as I shut the door.
No argument here. I stalk to my room and stand at the window that overlooks the city. I’m definitely an asshole. Why I thought I could navigate a relationship when I literally know nothing about keeping a woman happy is beyond me.
All I know how to do is hurt people. That is literally what I do for a living. What I did for Kayla. What we had wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t right, either. I don’t know how to love. How to heal the scars this life has given me. I thought maybe I could with Kayla, but that was just a fantasy.
Maybe if I’d learned faster. If I’d talked more. If only I’d told her sooner that I planned to move out there with her, maybe we’d have a more solid base when I broke her trust. Maybe she wouldn’t have fallen so hard when I left at the end of the weekend. A submissive needs to feel safe, but I didn’t give her much to hold on to. It’s no wonder her roommates didn’t like the relationship. It’s no wonder she threw in the towel at the first bump in the road.
One thing I do know now—me moving back to Russia wouldn’t fix anything for my mom, either. I’m too broken to heal her. She doesn’t need my physical protection anymore. No one’s coming after her but her own shadows. She needs help from people who do know how to love. How to give and share and be happy.
I get on my phone and book a ticket. I’m going to go back to Russia to get her and bring her back here to the Kremlin. It’s one thing I can do that might be right.
Kayla
On Saturday the surge of righteousness and determination I rode since my break-up dissolves, and I’m left gutted and empty. The knowledge that Pavel won’t be coming this weekend, or any weekend in the future, unravels the last bit of certainty I had that I was doing the right thing.
I force myself to get out of the house for fear I’d stay in bed all day, but of course, when I set off on a walk, all I can think of is the incredible sweetness of Pavel coaxing me outside to look for beautiful things.
I try it for myself now to combat the approaching tears.
The only problem is that everything beautiful I see I want to report back to him.
My phone rings, and I jerk it out of my pocket. Not because I hope it’s Pavel. I know better than to hope that. He made it clear he would let me go when I asked him to.
It’s Sasha. She’s been calling for the last few days, but I haven’t taken her calls. I haven’t even listened to her messages because I didn’t want her to change my mind.
Now though?
It’s already changing.
I answer. “Hey, you.” I sound ancient. Tired.
“Kayla, what the hell? Are you okay? Why haven’t you called me back?”
I want to ask about Pavel. A million things. But I can’t. So instead, I squeeze my eyes closed to keep the tears from coming out.
“Are you okay?” Sasha’s voice is quieter. “What happened? Please talk to me. I’m so worried.”