He looked up, throat moving as he swallowed. His eyes met mine, and a sick feeling of dread curdled my stomach. Whatever he was going to say, I knew it was going to be bad. But it was so much worse than I had expected.
“I have cancer.”
CHAPTER TWO
“Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia,” he continued slowly, looking back to the ultrasound printout in his hand. I noticed it was trembling. “I have had, for some time. With medication, I’ve been in remission for quite a while. Now, it appears my condition is accelerating, and needs more attention. I’ll be flying back to England next week to spend Christmas with my family, and then I’ll be staying in London and starting chemotherapy after the new year. My prognosis is quite good, though. It might only take a few months to get back on my feet.”
I felt a lot of things I wanted to say– well, scream— rising up my throat. But I thought if I opened my mouth, I might vomit. Or call him a fucking idiot for thinking he’d get over cancer in a few months. Or demanding to know why he hadn’t told me in the first place. But I guess it really hadn’t been any of my business when we were just messing around for fun before. And how do you bring that up, without making things incredibly awkward in a new relationship?
Neil has cancer.
Fuck.
His gaze flicked back up to my face, and he quickly forced a cautiously neutral expression. “When is it due?”
It was difficult to find my voice. All I could hear was a litany of Neil has cancer, Neil has cancer, Neil has cancer, running through my mind like a sick taunt. “I— I don’t know. I mean, I know. July sixth. But I don’t know if I’m having it.”
He carefully placed the photo on the table and tucked one hand under his opposite elbow. He regarded the image as he rubbed his forehead, considering.
“Sophie, if you want to have this baby, I will support you without question. It isn’t as though I haven’t done this before. And having Emma was enormous fun.”
“Really?” I couldn’t imagine parenting being fun at all. And while it was great that he was in instant supportive mode, I was still pretty pissed off. “You kind of have a bad track record of getting chicks knocked up.”
“Not at all. This is only the second time. As a percentage, it’s really not so bad.” I noticed his split-second glance at the photos of Emma on the wall beside the table. “I didn’t plan on having more children.”
“Then it’s probably best if we didn’t have this one.” I stated it firmly, for both our sakes, because the idea of Neil with a baby, with our baby, was a dangerously sweet image in my mind. But then, I reminded myself of all the really not sweet parts of having kids, the responsibility over another human life, and the fact that my relationship with Neil was so new... and possibly over. “I want to have an abortion.”
“Right. The timing of this is...” He stopped mid-sentence, his expression softening, becoming apologetic. “You have my unconditional support. That’s absolutely the right decision. And I am so sorry for my part in this.”
“It’s okay. I could have hunted through Holli’s room for a condom. Or gone to the drugstore.” I shrugged. “We fucked up. But we’re going to take care of it.”
“How do you need me to help?” he asked. “I don’t want you to be solely responsible for this.” He gestured toward the picture, but he didn’t look at it.
I smiled a tight, close-lipped smile at him. “Well then it’s your lucky day, Mr. Moneybags. I need help paying for it.”
“Of course, think nothing of it.” He picked up the ultrasound picture again, giving it one long last glance. “If things were different... If I didn’t have— “
I shook my head an emphatic no. “It has nothing to do with that. I don’t want children. And I thought you didn’t, either.”
“I didn’t. I enjoyed fatherhood, and I wouldn’t trade a moment of that experience, but I’m comfortable in my life as it is now. This...” He dropped the printout. “It caught me off guard, is all.”
So, it was settled. Relief took the wind out of my anger sails. I was just so glad that conversation was over— though it had gone way worse than I’d expected— and that our decision was made. However, I was a bit surprised at Neil’s reaction. I’d thought he would either want to keep the baby, or not. I’d never imagined he would feel conflicted between the two options.
Somehow, the sneaky knot in my chest had tightened up again, binding me in all my doubts. It slipped a little now. “You’re not brutally disappointed, then?”