“No,” he said immediately, then followed it with, “all right, it could be. But I don’t feel like I’m making a mistake with you. I did, with Elizabeth. I married her, even though I was still unrealistically in love with a woman I was never going to see again.”
“But you did see me again.” I reached for his hand, and he squeezed mine gratefully.
“I did. And now we’re together. And I feel like the clock has sped up, when I don’t want it to.” He shook his head. “It’s selfish of me, but I want you to feel the same way. I want to know that you’re not okay with our time together being potentially cut short.”
A painful sob welled in my chest, and I opened my mouth, unable to say a word. I took a sharp breath and swallowed. “Neil... I am so terrified of losing you, I moved to a foreign country with you. I abandoned my old life, I put my career on the back burner... I don’t want to hold that over your head for the rest of forever, but I don’t know what else I should do to prove to you that I care about you.”
He lifted his gaze from our entwined fingers, to look into my eyes. “Tell me. That’s all. When I say I’m afraid, don’t ask me not to be. Tell me that you are, as well. That’s all the reassurance I need.”
I hugged him, hard.
“It isn’t that I’m not scared. I am. I thought I was doing you a favor by downplaying it.” I leaned back, and he reached up to smooth my hair from my forehead. “I never meant to hurt you, or make you feel like I didn’t care. But I need to be able to deny this a little bit, too. I haven’t had four years to process it all.”
“I know.” He pulled me into his arms again and squeezed me tight. “Things will be better once we’re settled in here, and we can establish some kind of normal.”
I stroked his back through his shirt. “Do you want to skip Paris? Dr. Grant didn’t sound thrilled about the delay. It’s not going to hurt my feelings if we leave Paris for another time.”
“No.” He pulled slightly away, his expression one of total puzzlement. “Sophie, no. Paris is as much for me as it is for you. I want to do something truly romantic for you, so you can have a happy memory, in case...”
“In case you die?” There. I acknowledged it. “You don’t know for sure that you’re going to die from this, or that we’re not going to have any happiness between then and now, if it does happen.”
He looked like he didn’t know what to say to that, probably because he knew it was true. He stalled a moment, lifting my hand to his lips and murmuring, “I want to go to Paris with you because I want to forget what’s going on here. Maybe I want to take comfort in denial, as well. Just for a few days, I want to be Neil and Sophie meeting in that suite at the W for sweaty, forbidden, boss-on-secretary sex.”
“Excuse me, ‘assistant,’” I reminded him.
He pushed me back on the cushions, his teeth finding my earlobe. He sucked it between his lips, then released it and whispered, “You have no idea what I have planned for you.”
I sat up a little, so I could breathe. “You’re set on going?”
“We are going.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “If I’m facing possible death, I think I deserve one last hurrah.”
I groaned and rolled my eyes. “Okay. I know I’m not supposed to argue with you when you talk about dying. And yes, you could die, Neil. But I could get hit by a bus and die tomorrow. Either we need to live every single day together like it’s our last, or we need to be comfortable with the fact that some times are just sucky times.”
“Which reminds me,” he said, pulling me up with him. “When you cross the street, remember to look to the right first.”
“I’m serious.” I was going to stand firm on this point. “I’m not going to listen to a bunch of ‘last’ this and ‘final’ that. Not until you’re actually dying. And no more Morrissey. He’s going to make you depressed.”
“Isn’t that the truth?” Neil said with a roll of his eyes. “You’ve never had to have lunch with the man.”
CHAPTER TEN
We flew into Paris the next night, on the private jet. It wasn’t a long enough flight to do anything truly naughty, but we did decide on our terms for the weekend. Nothing was off the table, except electricity and anything that would leave a permanent mark. Our safe words would be the same, and if at any time I wanted to call off my total submission, I could. But I was so ready to belong to him, so desperate to be fucked by him again that I doubted I would be willing to call off anything at all.