“Thanks!” I hopped back up. “I have to finish it before I can send it to her, though.”
“So I should get out of your chair.” He got up, yawned, and stretched. “I think I might do a little work myself today. Catch up on emails and return some calls.”
“Just don’t wear yourself out,” I warned. “You feel good now, but you just got up.”
“I promise I will be careful.”
After he left, I opened up my email and tapped out a quick message to India. Then, before I could second guess myself, I clicked send.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
March came in like a lion. A sea-lion. It was wet as hell and impossibly gray outside. I did what I could to battle off the funk of low-grade seasonal depression. After India had written back that she would love to post one of my videos, I’d made more— an eye look for spring, a tutorial on bb cream, advice on shaving legs and the bikini line without razor bumps— and I was pleased to see that at least someone was watching them. Most of them had view counts in the low thousands. I owed that to her.
Having people actually watching the videos only made me more enthusiastic about producing them. I was working on a nail design video when Holli called me.
I was shocked and delighted; Since her return to New York, communication between the two of us had been spotty at best. The time change and her busy schedule had really messed us up, and at the worst possible time. We emailed each other regularly, but it wasn’t the same.
The third cycle of chemotherapy was harder on Neil than before. All he seemed to do was sleep and puke, sleep and puke. It was a nightmare for him. I hated to even think to myself about how lonely I was, because it felt too much like complaining while he was the one in pain. But I was lonely, and while Emma visited when she was in town, she had her own life and friends here. She didn’t want to babysit her father’s girlfriend, and I wouldn’t ask it of her. Holli’s call was like a lifeline.
“Hey girl, what’s up?” I practically bubbled. I was so relieved to talk to someone we didn’t employ.
“Sophie... I have amazing news!”
I got up and closed the door, in case my voice floated into the stairwell and into the den, where Neil had fallen asleep on the couch. I didn’t want to disturb him; even though he was bone tired all the time, he had trouble getting restful sleep. “Oh my god, tell me!”
“Okay. Deja and I—”
My stomach plummeted.
“—Are moving in together!”
“That’s...” I had to act happy. Wait, no. I should have been happy. Why wasn’t I happy? Holli was my friend. I wanted good things for her, didn’t I? “That’s fantastic!”
“I know! I mean, you know we still have the lease until September. But I can afford to pay it until then.” Her tone changed subtly, and I realized what she was telling me.
“Oh. Oh!” I shook my head and forced a smiley face, even though she couldn’t see me. “Right. I guess yeah, we’ll have to take care of that, won’t we?”
“Do you think you’ll be able to do that by September? I mean, is this enough notice?”
How could I crush her enthusiasm? But I just didn’t know what would happen between then and now. Holli and Deja had their whole lives together ahead of them— or at least a reasonable expectation of having their whole lives together. By September, Neil would either be recovering from his transplant or not. That was a pretty big “or not” to have to consider.
“It’s plenty of notice. It’s fine. If things change on my end, I’ll just snag another roommate and replace you totally,” I answered with easy sarcasm.
“Cool. I’ll start photoshopping my face out of all of our pictures.” She laughed a little, then said, “Are you okay, Sophie?”
“I am,” I lied. “It’s just hard to watch Neil go through all this stuff. He’s so ill all the time, and there’s nothing I can do to make him feel better.”
“Well, I am here for you, if you need me. I know I’ve been busy, but you can call me any time, day or night. You wouldn’t be bothering me or anything. Don’t do all of this alone.”
I knew she meant well, but there was no other way to do this. I had to do it alone, because no one else could be Neil’s girlfriend with me. No one could share the same feelings I was going through, just like I couldn’t begin to understand what Neil was going through.
And somehow, the offer of help made me a little resentful.
It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.
“Just don’t let me become that asshole who gets a girlfriend and stops talking to her friends, okay?” Holli continued. “I know I can be like that.”